Well, we've made it to 13 weeks and I'm definitely feeling more excited now. After our wonderful doctor's appointment last week I even went with my mom to Pottery Barn Kids to look at baby furniture. Up until now, I haven't allowed myself to go there. I haven't looked at baby stuff at all. Last time I was looking at Babies 'R' Us online everyday at work. Although I feel more relaxed and I am becoming confident that things will be different this time; it's hard to let myself go there. I know, I know, trust God, lean on Him and He will give you strength. I know God is not up there waiting to say, "gotcha". But at the same time it is difficult to believe that in October we'll be bringing home a baby. Some days it's just not real and other days it's all I can think about.

I read online that the baby may be able to hear mom's voice during week 13 so I said hi to him/her. It's almost like I don't want to get too attached to this baby, but then am I doing a disservice to this baby by not bonding with it? Maybe when I feel it move, then I'll be able to know everything is okay, but then it's like what's next? First it was when I see it on the ultrasound screen, then it was when we have the 12 week appointment and hear the heart beat. I'm definitely praying for a change of heart at this point. I need to pray that God would restore my joy. Overall I'm pretty happy, except when my husband is snoring like a bear (that will be another post to come).

I can't remember if I said it before, but DH and I are thinking that this baby is a boy (my mom too). The other night I asked him if he really had a feeling it was a boy or if he just thought it was a boy because that is what he wanted. He didn't really give me a straight answer, but he did tell me that he wants a boy. I asked him if he'd be upset if it was a girl and he said of course not. I guess most men want to have a boy for their first baby, so we shall find out come mid May. Either way, I just want to have a healthy, full-term baby.

Sleeping with a Bear

We've been staying at my parents' house since they are out of town and they needed someone to stay with the dogs. I normally don't mind too much because I love the dogs and they live closer to my work than I do. The only issue I have is the sleeping arrangements. DH and I have a king size, very nice bed at home. When we stay at my parents' house we stay in the guest bedroom because he would have issues sleeping in my parents' bed (I would have the same issue at my in-laws house). Last night we were in bed and the "bear" starts making his appearance. I already have a difficult time sleeping there just because it's not MY bed, then add the bear on top of everything else. DH turns into a bear at night. He makes all kinds of noise!! Last night I told him to turn over (usually that helps) and he said his back was hurting and he would "try to not snore". No such luck. Finally at 4:30am I went to sleep in my parent's room because I couldn't take it any more. I get up around 5:30am to get ready for work and went back in the guest room to get my clothes and lookey there, DH sleeping on his stomach, not snoring at all and I wasn't even there to enjoy it:)

12 Weeks!!

Well, here we are at a little over 12 weeks. I'm so so excited!! I had my 12 week doctor's appointment on Friday. I had been praying since my last appointment that they would be able to find the heartbeat quickly and sure enough as soon as the nurse put the doppler on my belly we heard the heartbeat. I had been very nervous about this appointment. It's very hard to put the negative things you've been through behind you and think totally positive. I was so thankful that Josh went with me. I know it was the enemy who kept putting thoughts in my head and I know we serve a God who is so much bigger than my negative thoughts. Take captive every thought, right? Now I feel more comfortable about telling people.

I keep looking at my belly to see if it's getting bigger, I'm pretty sure it is because I can't button any of my pants:) But I don't have the infamous "baby bump" quite yet. I've been feeling really good these past 2 weeks. I'm thankful the nausea is gone, I still have the exhaustion but I can handle that. I'm still not eating meat and I still have many food aversions, but hopefully they will get better. Yesterday we had chinese food and I thought I wanted shrimp. Then they brought me the shrimp and I realized I did not want shrimp:)

So far, things are going really well. I am amazed each day at how good God is. I know He has handpicked this baby for us. I know there can be numerous complications in any pregnancy, but I'm believing that this pregnancy is going to be different, this time there will be no complications and we will bring home a healthy, full term baby in October!!

Good Friday

So, Good Friday is coming up in two days and I must admit that I don't like Good Friday that much. I know we need to remember what Jesus did for us, but I really struggle with this. I did see The Passion of the Christ movie when it came out and I do not want to see it again. At our church we have a Good Friday service and last year was the first year we went to it. I was very nervous because at our previous church they had shown parts of The Passion movie. I was afraid I would become a blubbering mess at church if I saw this. They didn't show any scenes from the movie, so I was thankful.

Today, I was reading in Leviticus (I know, the Old Testament is rough in some places but hear me out on this). God had just gone through the blessings and curses that would come upon the Israelites if the obeyed or disobeyed Him. There were a number of references to "remember" what God had done for the people. By this time, there was a new generation that was being raised up who had not seen all God had done for the Israelites in Egypt- the plagues, the signs and wonders, the water from a rock. God wanted the adults to remember what they had been through, what they had seen so they could share those stories with their children. When I read this, it kinda hit me that Good Friday is just like what I had read. God wants us to remember what Jesus did for us, the suffering, the pain. But we know that Sunday is on the way!! Even though He died for us we know that He is not dead! He is risen!! Knowing that God wants us to remember and knowing that He speaks to me even while reading the Old Testament:) I'm sure I'll be emotional on Good Friday, but there is the hope of Sunday of knowing that Jesus is not in the tomb. He is alive and well and hears us when we cry, He knows right where we are, He sees every tear, He loves us more than we will ever know!!

So Happy Easter if I don't blog again before then!

New Schedule

Well, this week started my new schedule at work. I know work 7-5 Monday-Thursday and have Fridays off. Oh, to have Fridays off:) I'm very excited to have Fridays off, but getting to work at 7 has been rough. I miss seeing Josh in the morning since he doesn't have to get up until after I leave for work. I'm thankful to have Fridays off so I can schedule appointments and not worry about missing work. So far (these 2 days) it hasn't been too bad. I haven't been sleeping to well so lately I'm already awake when it's time to get up.

Easter is coming up and I love Easter! There aren't many holidays I don't like:) We'll be having a brunch at my parents' house. Originally Josh and I wanted to have a brunch at our house, but since I'm in the choir this year it just wouldn't work out.

In vacation news, we've decided against going to Hawaii. While I would love to go and see the beauty of Hawaii, we know it's probably not a good idea to spend over $2000 on a vacation when we've got a baby on the way. We'll take a vacation, but not to Hawaii. We were thinking maybe Durango, CO. It will be cooler there than here:) Any other ideas for a less expensive vacation? We've been to San Diego so many times, Josh isn't interested in going this year. I never get tired of seeing the ocean, but it would be cool to go somewhere new.

Josh's mom is doing better. She's started watching the kids again, she just gets tired easily. We're continuing to keep her in our prayers. Also, my brother re-dedicated his life to the Lord a few weeks ago. We've been praying for him and I'm so excited for him. I know God has great things in store for him.

Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Well, friends I've struggled with this for some time. I wasn't sure when to share this news.

We're pregnant!

I feel so excited, scared, nervous, anxious, and happy all in one. Part of me didn't want to share this with all of you because last time I was so eager to share and this time I wanted to really soak it all in and be cautious in my announcement. It's kinda at a point where I have so much I want to share with you that I'm tired of keeping the secret. Also, I was at church last week and the pastor's wife was talking about how sometimes we have a hard time asking people to pray for us because we feel like we're a burden or something like that. That made me think, even if this baby isn't meant to be for us I still need and appreciate the prayers of friends and family. So, here I am, asking for your prayers for a healthy baby and healthy mom.

Of course I have to share the entire story, just so you know it's long:)

Before this all started I had been concerned about my hormones. I never felt normal after the m/c. I know this is terrible, but I had convinced myself that I had PCOS. So, I bought an OPK only to determine if I was ovulating. A side effect could have been me getting pregnant, but I at least wanted to know that I was ovulating. My surge never showed up. Maybe I didn't do the test correctly or I did it at the wrong time, but there was no surge. I just assumed that after this cycle I'd make an appointment with the doctor to see what medication I needed to be on to ovulate. Somewhere in there I must have ovulated. About 10 days before AF was due I started having waves of nausea. I remember DH and I getting ready for a walk and I bent over to tie my shoes and I really felt it. I cried. I didn't know if I could do it, could WE do it, were we ready for this, was my body ready for this. There were so many questions. But DH told me we'd be ok and we'd make it through this. I waited and waited to take the test, but in my heart I knew it would be positive. 2 days before AF was due I decided to take one and low and behold it was a BFP!! I left the test in the bathroom and put a sticky note that said "Guess What!!!". I also put DH's glasses in there in case he needed them:)

I made an appointment with the doctor for the next day. I wanted to have my progesterone checked asap since it was low last time. Beta and progesterone levels were good, but she said I should probably go ahead and take the prog. supplement and I had some left from before so it wasn't a big deal. We had our first u/s at 7w4d. To our surprise the baby was measuring 5 days bigger, so technically the baby was 8w2d. I was so so nervous. I couldn't wait to hear what the heart rate was- it was 158!!! I was ecstatic!! Of course I started crying right then. DH was with me, so it was super special for us to see such a healthy baby together. It was really hard not to think about the last time we were here; the last time we were getting an u/s, the last time we saw a baby on the screen. Last time, it wasn't good. Oh, but this time!! I am so thankful how God makes all things new!!

There are moments when feel robbed of my first pregnancy joy, but I have a new joy, a joy that is even better. I have a joy that even though things were horrible, it does get better. God is so good!! I still worry about this baby, but it's not like it was before. I had dinner with a friend a few nights ago and we talked about the first pregnancy. During my first pregnancy I was fearful of a miscarriage from the beginning. I remember telling her how scared I was and how I was so worried about having a miscarriage. Who does that? What kind of crazy person is already talking about a miscarriage when they should be joyful? Maybe that was the Holy Spirit preparing me, I don't know. This time I feel completely different. I have complete peace (and I'm more sick). I can't even describe it, it's like I'm not even worried about the baby. Please don't get me wrong, I pray like crazy over this baby, but I don't dwell on the negative and I'm not fearful.

I'm still not out of the first trimester yet. I have my next appointment in a few weeks and I'm already praying that the doctor will be able to find the heart beat quickly and that it will still be a healthy lil' pumpkin in there. The waiting between appointments is so hard. I'm thinking of renting a doppler, but then they say that you may worry even more if you can't find the heart beat. Any thoughts on that?

Well friends, I'm excited to have you on this journey with me.

Bad Blogger

I have to apologize for being such a bad blogger lately. I so look forward to blogging at least once a week even if it's just to vent. Life has gotten the better of me and I've been a slacker. My MIL has been in the hospital all week. FIL took her in Monday night and she's still there. We were very concerned for her health for a while and still are, but it appears that she's on the mend. My personal opinion is that she needs to make her self a priority and take better care of herself. She deserves it! She takes care of children in her home, so I can understand that it makes it difficult for her to take time off and go to the doctor. Hopefully after this experience, she'll make those necessary appointments.

DH has been working in the yard over the past few weekends. He is working hard on a sprinkler/drip system. He actually got it working and turned it on last night, but he's got a few things to complete before we get the plants, grass and rock. I'm excited to have a yard that you can show people and not just dirt with a few weeds growing:) I need to post some pictures of his work so far. I'm really proud of him! I was nervous for him to do this because he's never done it before, but he's very handy so I knew he'd get it done. I've been kinda lazy lately as far as house work. I was going to wait to vacuum until DH was done tracking dirt in the house due to the sprinkler system, but last night I had to vacuum. I hated that dirt was sticking to my bare feet when I walked on the tile. I guess then you know it's bad:)

Between work, church, and hospital this week we've been super busy. I'm hoping this weekend we can relax, although I'm sure that DH will have yard work to do:)

Oh, and by the way, the girl I work with went in for her beta Monday and it was 580 and then it was over 1200 on Wednesday. She's not really excited yet, at least from what I can tell. I know about being cautious at this stage, but I'm so happy for her. I told her that there were a lot of people praying for her and she said she was thankful for that. There were people who didn't even know her praying, I hope that made an impression on her. I'm praying for the opportunity to witness to her and I'm just waiting on His leading.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!