Awkward Moment

Have you ever had one of those awkward, "I'm having a baby and your not" awkward moments. I'm sure we all have at some point, but it seems like when you want to be pregnant or you have recently had a miscarriage, just about everyone around you is pregnant or recently had a baby. While I'm thankful that I've not felt bitter towards any of my "blessed with child" friends, there is a bit of awkwardness sometimes. Maybe I'm the only one in the room that feels it, but it's there.

Here's what brings me to this post. I was scheduled to be on the praise and worship team at church last week. I need to mention that every other woman on the team has had at least one child, except for me and one other person who is not married. I totally understand that when you have children your conversations are about the children; what they do, where they are developmentally, what they like and don't like, etc. This will most definitely be the case when we have a baby also, but I wish sometimes that we didn't have to talk about the babies. Please don't get me wrong, I love babies and want to have one of my own very much but I like to talk about other things too. Anyway, back to my original story. I've kinda felt left out of the group because I feel like I don't fit in as well since I don't have a child. All of the girls kinda gathered together and were, of course, talking about children. One of the girls does not know about my previous m/c and I would have told her about it if I hadn't felt like I would burst into tears at that moment. By the way, I'm normally ok to talk about it if it is one on one. I'm not ready for the group thing yet. This person has asked me a few times when Josh and I are going to have a baby and I've told her every time that we were working on it. What else can you say? But standing with this wonderful group of women, I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like one of these things isn't the same, one of these things doesn't belong. Have you ever been there? They weren't being mean or anything, I just didn't fit in. They were talking about babies, who was having them, who wanted more and then I feel like all eyes are on me.

I know that the enemy takes every opportunity to remind me of my loss, to bring me right back to the place I was 3 months ago instead of letting me be the overcomer I know I need to be. I know he wants me to live in that anger, to remember it. So, I went up for prayer on Sunday with Josh and the pastor who had prayed for us gave me a note after we were done.

1 John 4:18 ...."Perfect Love drives out all fear"

Yes, I'm absolutely scared of having another m/c but I'm giving that fear to God. I'm ready to think about wonderful and good things. I'm ready to move on, not that I'll forget all that I've been through. I'm just ready to stop dwelling on the bad things that have happened.

I'm praying for you blog followers!

A Revelation

This weekend my husband and I attended a marriage conference at our church. We had a great time and it was nice to spend a few days focusing on our marriage. We even renewed our vows at the end of the conference (as a group, but I still cried). We met some really great people and had lunch with them Saturday. After we got home, I kinda wanted Josh to hang out with me and continue to focus on me (I know, I completely admit to being selfish). He wanted to do yard work and play his computer game. I guess I was fine with that, I made us a nice Valentine's Day dinner and dessert. I went to the bathroom and I was looking in the mirror and I know God spoke to me. I know I couldn't have come up with something as good as this:) He said, "The past is the past, you learn from it and grow from it, but it's just that- the past. Don't live in it". I really needed to hear that. There are lots of things in my past that I'm so thankful I don't re-live every day. I'm thankful for the things that have happened in my past to make me the person I am today, but I'm even more thankful that I don't have to live in the past.

Last week I remembered the verse in James where he says consider it pure joy when you face trials. Throughout this most recent trial, I know I did not consider it joy in the least bit. I was angry with God, I couldn't believe He would allow such a thing to happen. Lately I've been trying to thank God for allowing Josh and I to go through that difficult time. Not that I'm thankful we lost our baby, but I'm thankful for the things we were taught through it. I hope that makes sense. I still struggle with it, I still say thank you through clenched teeth at times. I want God to mold me into the woman, daughter, wife, friend, and mother that He wants me to be.

So I'm starting this week with a different perspective. I'm thankful, I'm grateful, I'm trying really hard not to complain, I want to soak it all in.

Do you ever feel ........

Do you ever feel like your pregnant and you're not? Does your mind play tricks on you like mine does? Since having a miscarriage in November it has been my mission to get pregnant again, but at the same time I'm terrified of being preggo again. What if the same thing happens again? I sometimes feel nauseous and then wonder if that's morning sickness. I wonder if my bb's are more sore than normal. It's like I have a heightened awareness of my body and I question everything.

Have any of you gone through a miscarriage and gone on to have a successful pregnancy? I feel like I'm so devasted when I'm not pregnant but then if I find out I am will I be able to get over the fear? I read in another blog today that she felt cheated out of the joy of a first pregnancy. I can totally relate to that. It's like my innocence was lost with that miscarriage. I'll never have that giddiness over the first pregnancy again. I've been praying that when the time is right God will give DH and I His complete peace. I know that is the only thing that got me through the m/c and the only thing that will get me through another pregnancy.

The girl I work with is going through IVF and I was pretty nervous to tell her I was pregnant back in October. I didn't want to hurt her in any way. We had only been off the pill for 4 months. Even though I wanted to be pregnant the first month off the pill I was thankful that it only took 4 months. Then 2 weeks later I had to tell her that there was no heart beat. I know the next time around I'm going to wait longer to tell people, for sure!! Not that I didn't love and appreciate the support we received. It was just devastating to tell people that you had just had a m/c the week after you told them you were pregnant. I have fasted and prayed for healthy babies this year and I know my God is a big god and he is more than able to bless us with healthy babies.

My co-worker is going to have her first IVF transfer in March and I'm praying that it works for her. Her and her husband have invested a lot of money and time and effort into this. They've been trying for at least 4 years. Please keep her in your prayers over these next few weeks.

Cows, Calves, and Babies

Let me start by saying that this is my way of looking at nature and relating it to my life, so it might sound weird but it's perfectly normal in my crazy mind!!

Everyday on my way to work I drive past a dairy. I love to look at the cows on the dairy. I'm not sure why, but they are captivating. At the dairy they separate the cows that are just making milk from those that are going to have their babies soon. Now, I know that in order for us to have milk in the store a cow has to have a baby and I also know that the calf has to be taken away from her in order for us to get the milk. I guess I've never really thought about this process before until when I was driving to work one day a mom cow and a baby cow were in a truck on their way somewhere. We had the windows rolled down, so at the stop light you could hear the calf kinda crying. I'm not sure if it was crying or not, but it was making some noise. My husband offered some encouragement that maybe they were going to take the mom and baby to get some shots or to make sure they were healthy. I'm not sure where they were going, but I doubt it was to make sure they were healthy.

Yesterday I was driving past the dairy (I love when the light is backed up and I get to see the cows better, I know it's crazy) and I noticed a cow had recently had a calf. The calf was still laying down on the ground and the cow was gently licking it. Then it hit me: That cow, in the next day or so is going to have that calf taken away from her and she's going to continue to produce milk because of that calf. Now, I know they are not human and don't feel like we do. But, it reminded me of everyone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, or illness. We were pregnant, the baby came out of us and even though that baby is gone we still carry around some symptoms of that baby. I know for a fact that my hormones are crazy even though my miscarriage was over 2 months ago. I sometimes wonder if the cow is sad that her baby is taken away from her. I feel like my baby was taken away from me far to early. I know I didn't get to see my baby alive and well like the cow did but she's going to lose that baby just like I did.

I'm not saying that you should quit drinking milk by any means (though I don't eat beef or pork for that matter, again I'm not at all preaching). I was just happy (and that probably sounds weird) that I was able to relate what I was feeling, to something else. For every woman a miscarriage is different; my situation was probably very different from any other woman but the outcome was the same.

I feel sorry for those cows. I wish there was a way they could keep their babies and be milked for our nourishment. I know that God is so so very good! I love that He teaches me things even when I don't realize that it's Him that is teaching me. I love that He uses something I love, like cows, to teach me that He sees me and I'm not alone. I'm still believing for 3 healthy babies, in particular, in 2010. I've been very specific with God in my request. I've asked that they be born in 2010 and that the moms would be completely healthy and that there would be no complications with moms or babies.

I've also been thinking that I'd like a puppy. I told DH that I thought it might help me to get over this whole baby thing. I know it won't help completely, but it will take my mind off of it, at least for a while. I'm thinking about it:)

Well, OPKs are out the window for this month at least. The instructions say that you are supposed to not go to the bathroom for at least 4 hours before using them and that you should pee on the stick around 2pm. First of all, I drink a lot of water during the day. It's good for you! So how am I supposed to go without peeing for 4 hours?? I also didn't realize that you are supposed to do the test at the same time of day every day, but not first morning urine. I'd been doing it whenever I could go 2 hours without peeing. AF should start 2/10 (just in time for Valentine's Day), so we shall see. I had a few other symptoms of ovulation but nothing showed up on my OPK. Maybe I just need to trust that God knows what He's doing and I need to stop meddling, but I love meddling:)

For some happier news, my in-laws are going to Hawaii in May and they've asked us to go with them. I would love to go, especially since I know it would be hard to go with a baby (since I'm believing for one this year). We're still waiting for our new homebuyer credit from the IRS. It's been 6 months!!! They are obviously in no hurry. When we get that money then we can see about a Hawaii vacation.

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder about God? Do you wonder if He REALLY hears you, if He cares about you enough to answer your prayers, if you put your trust in Him will you end up crushed? I've been struggling with these questions over the past few weeks. We just finished a 21 day fast at church and during this fast I was believing God for healthy babies for my DH and I, for my cousin and his wife, and for a co-worker and her husband. My cousin's wife lost her baby girl around 20 weeks. I know we both endured a loss, but I pray that neither of us will go through the loss of a baby, embryo, fetus (whatever you want to call it) ever again. I know we have learned things through the loss that we never wanted to learn and I believe that something good will come of it.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28.

I had my miscarriage in November and I didn't want to get pregnant at least for 6 months, but now it's like my mission in life is to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. So, I bought an ovulation predictor kit last week. I started using it this week since I should ovulate around today, but no smiley face has shown up (indicating ovulation). I was afraid of this. I'll continue using the kit through the rest of the week just to make sure that I'm not a late ovulator now. I feel like my hormones are crazy since the m/c, which is part of the reason I purchased the OPK. My dilemma is: do I go to the doctor if I find that I'm not ovulating or do I continue to trust in God? I don't know how long it takes to get your hormones back to normal after a m/c. Does anyone have an idea? My doctor told me after I have one normal cycle we can try getting pregnant again. I've had 2, so this is the first one trying. Then I start worrying about, what if I'm getting pregnant too early? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I'm just not meant to be a mom? There are so many questions!! But I am trusting in God, I know that He knows what's best for me and my husband. He sees the whole picture and we only see a small portion of it. God has blessed me exceedingly and abundantly and I know He has much more in store for us and for you.

Lord, I lay my life at your feet. Please let me be pleasing to you. I will glorify you in everything I do and I know when we have our baby we will raise him or her to love you.

My Story

Well, I've been thinking lately that I'd like to share my experiences with the world. My husband and I have been through some wonderful and devastating times and I know the people around me may not benefit from my story. I think I need to talk about it too. In all honesty I don’t know that my friends want to hear this, but I feel like I need to get it all out. I think there is at least one person who would might need to hear my story and would be so encouraged by it so here it is.

Last Mother's Day I caught the baby bug. Most Mother's Days I did, but this was different. This time I didn't get over it, I didn't move on, and I didn't think "oh, I'm entirely too selfish to be a mom". This time I really wanted to be a mom. When my husband and I first got married I didn't want children. I knew one day I would, but I wanted to enjoy my DH for a few years with it being just us. June 2008 was the last month of me being on the pill. I was so excited and scared to start this new journey. I felt like a completely new person not on the pill. I felt normal. I didn't cry anytime someone looked at me wrong. I could argue with my husband without crying (the first time ever)!! I had a feeling that I would get pregnant the first month off of the pill. That was not the case. I started noting when I thought I was ovulating and made sure to take advantage of that time:)

In October (I don't remember the exact date, I know that's horrible) I found out I was pregnant. I freaked out, but I kinda thought that I was. I normally had signs that AF was coming and I didn't have those signs this month. I woke DH up and told him that I was pregnant. He looked at the test and didn't think the line was dark enough, needless to say I took 3 more tests and they were all positive. We didn't tell anyone for a while. I went to the doctor later that week and they did blood work. My progesterone was low so I was prescribed supplements. Of course I got online and googled everything about low progesterone and what it meant. I found good and bad news. A week or so later I started spotting. It was not bright red so I wasn't completely panicked but I called the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound. I got to see the baby and was so excited. The doctor said everything looked good, but no "pelvic activity". I had a follow up ultrasound the next week and was told that the heart rate was at 94 (I remember that number) and was told that was pretty low. DH and I went on a mini vacation up north and the whole time we prayed that God would heal our little baby and make him whole. I went in the next week for another followup ultrasound and my mom went with me. I told her she didn't have to go, but I'm glad she did. The ultrasound tech said there was no heartbeat. At first I didn't do or say anything. This was not at all what I expected to hear. I wanted the doctor and u/s tech to be amazed at how well our baby was doing.

My mom and I had a breakdown, what else would you expect? They moved us to a regular room and the nurse practitioner came in. I know that she probably sees this every day and has dealt with numerous miscarriages, but she has never dealt with MY miscarriage. She told me that I could wait to pass the “pregnancy” on my own or have a D&C, however it could be up to 2 weeks to have the D&C done. I wanted the D&C done RIGHT NOW! Of course the surgery scheduler had already left for the day so I had to wait until Monday to schedule the procedure. I called the scheduler crying because I wanted it done so bad. That was the worst weekend of my life. There are no words to prepare someone for a miscarriage. The last thing I wanted to hear was “God has a reason for this happening” or really anything about God. I felt like He had totally let me down. How could He do this to my husband and I? I was devastated. I had started telling people at church the week before and here we were having to tell them that it was over. I told DH that I never wanted to get pregnant again if there was even a chance that this could happen again. I prayed for peace, but it didn’t come quickly. Our friends brought us lunch that Sunday and it was so good to see them and I would be ok as long as they didn’t say they were praying for me and didn’t ask me how I was doing or even talk about the m/c. Even now, there are days where it’s really hard to talk about. I’m thankful that I have such an amazing husband. He let me cry all the time and never said a word. He just held me and that was all he could do to really comfort me.

So here we are, two months after “it”. It’s definitely easier, but there are moments where I have a breakdown. Everything has changed. The conversations I had with people, the way I would playfully blame DH for us not having children yet, the times my mom and I would look around the infant departments at the stores; all that has changed. I sometimes wish that I could go back to before this happened and erase it from my past. I know that I love God and my husband more because of the loss of our baby. I don’t know if I would be as in love with DH as I am now if we hadn’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know if I would depend on and love the Lord the way I do now, if I hadn’t been through that difficult time.

This year I’m praying for a healthy baby for DH and I, my cousin and his wife, and the girl I work with and her husband. I’m praying that this Mother’s Day is different for these 3 couples. I’m praying that we are healthily pregnant with healthy babies for Mother’s Day 2010. I know my God is a big god and He is more than capable of allowing us to get pregnant, stay healthy, and give birth to healthy babies carried to term in 2010. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have much hope and most days I’m completely terrified of being pregnant again, sometimes the “what ifs” get the best of me, but I’m thankful for the support from the great family and friends we have. Our church family has been amazing!

I’m praying for each person who reads this, I pray that you find encouragement and peace. God is good.

“And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28