Update After the Specialist

Well after a bit of a stressful wait at the perinatologist's office, I can say that we have some comfort.  Our baby boy does have slightly dilated kidneys, although the doctor did mention that she isn't worried about them.  They are still functioning and are not blocked.  She said that most of the time this clears up on its own before delivery.  There was no abnormal amount of fluid in his lateral ventricles, but he did have some chroid plexus cysts.  She said that these will also most likely clear up before delivery or even my next ultrasound.  The doctor did give us some comfort in that our baby looks completely healthy right now.  All of his other measurements are perfectly normal and he was moving around all over.  Both of these issues are considered markers for down syndrome, so she did offer us an amnio.  I have known all along that I didn't want an amnio.  First of all, it's incredibly scary for me and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my baby because of a test.  Josh and I are confident that our baby is completely fine.  I've been praying that he would be in perfect health since I found out I was pregnant.  I honestly don't feel like there is anything wrong with him, though my emotions get the best of me sometimes.  There are moments when I feel like it would be ok if he had DS and then I feel like I'm letting God down.  Like I'm not trusting Him like I should.  The doctor mentioned getting an amnio as soon as possible if we were considering termination, but that isn't an option for us.  

I knew from the beginning of this pregnancy that this baby was going to be completely healthy, in every way, no genetic issues.  I have to continue having that faith.  I remember our pastor telling us that verse in 1 John I think, that perfect love casts out all fear.  So, each day I'm praying for a new dose of peace to get through the day and have confidence that my God is in control.  He loves me and He loves our baby boy.  Before our baby was formed He knew him, how awesome is that.  I'm believing that He has great things in store for our sweet baby boy.

In other news, I would love to hear from you all regarding this crazy hunger I have all day long.  How do you cope with it?  I know it's ok to gain weight now and all, but if I ate every time I was hungry I'd be eating all day.  Some days I never feel full:)  I try to eat healthily but it's a struggle, because who craves carrots???

A bit of a bump in the road.....

Well friends, it's good to be home.  Josh and I went on a vacation to San Diego last week and it was wonderful!  We did so much walking, I mean so so much walking:)  I really enjoyed our time together.  On a normal day we see each other for a few hours in the evening, but that's about it.  It was nice to spend an entire week together with no distractions, other than the Suns/Lakers games:)

Yesterday I was 19 weeks 5 days and we went in for our anatomy scan at the doctor's office.  Josh hadn't seen the baby since he was a mere 8 weeks old, so I knew it would be special to see him nearly 11 weeks later.  It's amazing to me how babies (and moms) grow.  We got to see a good face shot of out little man.  We know he is definitely a boy, we could see him opening and shutting his hands, it was just great.  Then we had to wait to see the doctor regarding the results of the ultrasound.  Of course the u/s tech tells you pretty much nothing other than what you're looking at, like there his hand, there's his kidneys, etc.  The doctor came in and she said there was some reason for concern based on the u/s results.  Apparently our little man has slightly dilated kidneys, which she said can be normal in boys.  He also has more fluid than they like to see in some part of his brain, this is also more common in boys.  To be very honest I don't remember exactly what she said.  I didn't even think to ask how dilated are the kidneys and how much fluid more than normal is there?  I should have gotten everything in writing so I could look over it later.  They are referring us to a perinatologist for further evaluation and a level 2 u/s.  Of course we got home and googled the info we had just received.  I think Josh remembered better than I did.  Other than those 2 things everything else looked fine.  She did say that the baby was not in a real good position to look at everything.  So, Friday we go for our perinatologist appointment.  This whole thing is a bit scary.  I guess I was just floored when the doctor told us we should be concerned.  You go into this whole thing and think they are going to tell you what a healthy baby you have and anything that is not normal is just not a good thing.  The doctor did say that both of these issues could resolve themselves over the next few weeks, so we shall see.  

I keep thinking, well the u/s tech had a hard time getting a good look at his brain because his head was right behind my bellybutton.  She just kept mentioning that she was having a hard time.  Hopefully the perinatologist will be able to get a better look at things.  I'm praying that they don't recommend an amnio.  I just really don't want one of those.  So, my perfectly normal pregnancy is not so perfectly normal anymore, but I'm hanging in there and praying for the best.

Please be in prayer for our little one this week if you think about it.  I'm believing that this is all nothing and everything will clear itself up.  We serve a God who is a healer and I know He can heal our lil' one.

Great Weekend!

Well, I have some news to report!!  I went to the doctor on Friday for my regular 16 week appointment.  I was confident and had been praying that the nurse would be able to find the heart beat quickly.  After all, they could hear it clearly at 12 weeks.  Well, the nurse came in and she spent a few minutes looking for the heartbeat but could not find it.  At this point I was a bit nervous, but still composed.  I thought to myself that this can't be happening, this is Mother's Day weekend.  I told myself that God has blessed us with this baby and this would be a great Mother's Day!  Then the doctor came in and she tried to find the heartbeat.  I'm assuming she could tell I was starting to panic because she said that she didn't want to keep me waiting any longer and we would just do an ultrasound.  I'm amazed that I didn't start crying throughout this ordeal, but I felt some sort of peace in the midst of this chaos.  As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand thing on my belly she assured me that there was a heart beat.  I had been hoping to see the baby moving around, but I guess the baby was sleeping.  It was amazing to see our little bundle so much bigger than when we had seen it last.  The last ultrasound I had was at 8 weeks and my how things change in 8 weeks!  I didn't think I'd be getting an ultrasound, so I didn't have DH or my mom come with me and I wish I would have.  I just felt like I needed to try going to the doctor alone.  

Well, the tech asked me if I wanted to see between the legs and I said of course without even thinking twice!!  She told us that we are having a boy!  I can't remember if I had said this in a previous post but I had felt like we were having a boy from the very beginning of our pregnancy.  I'm thrilled and of course so is my husband.  I know he really wanted a boy!  Now we have to think of boy names and we have none that we really like, at least none I really like.  I keep praying that God will reveal a name to us just like He did back in the Bible.  We've still got some time, so I'm not in too much of a hurry.  I was looking online yesterday for unique baby boy names and I came upon this website that had the craziest names I've ever seen.  Here's a few:  Huntquail, Napalm, Stephenever, Clicker, Prymal.  I want our baby to have a unique name, but maybe not that unique.  Any good ideas you'd be willing to share?

I had a really good, almost Mother's Day.  DH got me some flowers and a sweet card.  My parents got me a bracelet with a baby carriage charm and my MIL gave me some money towards maternity clothes.  We all had lunch at my parents house and everything was great.  DH and his brother played corn hole in the back yard and it was a relaxing day overall (other than the laundry I had to do when I got home).  I was telling DH how I remember praying last Mother's Day that this Mother's Day would be different, that we would either have a baby or be expecting a baby.  Even though we endured the loss in November, God makes all things new.  There are absolutely days when I think I'll have a melt down and all I can do is think about my first pregnancy.  I know many women said that the only thing that helped them recover from the loss  was having another baby, but for me it's not that way.  Although I'm incredibly excited about our baby boy, there is still a part of my heart that aches for our first baby.  I know time will heal.  God is so good!! 

15 week update

It's hard to believe that we've made it to 15 weeks!  None of my pre-preggo clothes fit without the bella band and even with it, my clothes are just not comfortable.  However, I love the knit gaucho pants and skirts from Target!  I'm finally eating meat again.  When I was having morning sickness, meat was totally off limits.  Last Friday my mom and I were out for lunch and she mentioned going to Chick-Fil-A.  For some reason, that sounded wonderful.  I got the original chicken sandwich and it was great!!  I had been wondering for the past few days if I was just scared of eating meat again or if I would really get sick.  Turns out, I was just scared of it.  DH is so grateful, he said he was gettting worried that it would be a permanent thing:)

While I'm getting more and more excited, I still have my moments of concern.  I have my 16 week dr. appointment this week and again the nervousness sets in.  I thought I would be excited to hear the heartbeat again, to ask the doctor all the questions I forgot to ask the last time, but I'm scared at the same time.  I know, God is good and He has given us this sweet baby, but I don't think you ever get over those words, "there is no heartbeat".  It's been nearly 6 months (wow, I can't believe it's been that long) since the miscarriage, but every time I have a doctor's appointment it's like a fresh wound all over again.  I know God is teaching DH and I something through this.  I know He's especially teaching me to have faith in Him.  Each day I pray for peace to get through the day and I guess that's all I need.  I'm definitely not freaking out every day, but there is some concern.  I am placing my complete trust in God right now.  I know this road I'm on is forever changed, but I'm slowly finding joy in the journey I'm on. 

Have a great week!

I have been following The Pifer's Journey Through Infertility blog for a while now and I just love Tiffany's positive outlook and she is so encouraging.  Today she is giving away an adorable onesie.  Check it out- http://piferreviews.blogspot.com/.  I know some of you are not parents quite yet, but how cute would this be on your future baby??  I love what it says and I'm hoping to one day put it on my future "bundle":)

Oh, the Drama of a Washing Machine

Well friends, I have officially lost it.  I cried yesterday because of the washing machine.  It's a bit of a long story, but I'm going to tell it anyway.  When DH and I moved into our house it came with new appliances, including a washing machine and dryer.  These were GE brand appliances.  They are not the top of the line, but they worked considering we didn't have any appliances coming from an apartment.  This washing machine has driven me crazy from day one.  DH wears black dress pants to work everyday (this is part of a uniform type outfit).  When ever I would wash his pants there would be this white residue all over them.  I started setting the machine on the 2nd rinse cycle and it still has not helped.  The "super" spin cycle doesn't help either, I'm sure (wish I could change that).  We have had the repair person come out and take a look at it and he said he'd never seen that before, but that he thought it was because we have a water softener and I was using too much soap.  So, I got special dark clothes soap and used so very little of it.  I want his clothes to smell at least a little clean.  All of this is to say, yesterday while doing laundry his pants came out with all this white stuff on them and I lost it.  I told DH how I hated the washing machine, how we needed a new one that worked properly and was able to clean all sorts of fabric, colors, and do it with soft water.  Oh, how I despise this machine!!  You shouldn't have the clothes come out looking worse than when they went in, isn't that the purpose of a washing machine?? 

I was sharing my story with the girl I work with and she suggested washing the pants inside out.  I'm definitely trying that next time.  I know I'm super emotional, I'm super emotional when I'm not pregnant.  Poor DH, he has sure been a trooper through all of this.  He's a wonderful husband and just a great man.  I always tell him how I'm so thankful that he chose me, I'm thankful that God placed us in eachother's lives at the perfect time. 

I just wanted to share with you a bit of my weekend and I hope you had a great weekend:)

A HUGE Fight

Have you ever gotten in one of those knock-out brawl type fights with your spouse or significant other? DH and I have had just a few in our nearly 4 years of marriage, but when we do boy are they HUGE! Well, Sunday of all days seems to be our day, yes we had a huge fight. The best part is that I'm trying really hard to remember what my point was in the whole thing. It started at church. The pastor was talking and DH kept nudging me, so I shoved his arm away. I was trying to pay attention and I thought DH was just trying to be funny. I knew in an instant that it was a bit rough, so I tried to hold his hand right away. It was my way of apologizing without saying the words:) We got in the car and I knew I had hurt his feelings, and he told me I had. I apologized, then I made the worst mistake ever- I asked him what he was doing. He never nudges me like that, so I wasn't sure what message he was trying to convey. From there, the argument escalated and got more and more heated. We had to stop at Sam's Club on the way home and I told him I'm wasn't going in there like this and he said, "Fine"! Then he left and went in there without me. I was IRATE at this point! How dare you leave me hear in a heap of tears in the hot car by myself (by the way, he left the keys and I went in and had a drink and pretzel and cheese while waiting for him)!! Now I know that pregnancy can really affect your emotions and hormones, but that didn't help me to be any less angry. If anything, I was more angry because he wasn't being extra nice considering my "condition".

The car ride home was more yelling and tears. I told him to call his parents and mine to tell them not to come over for lunch (we were having lunch for everyone since our backyard now has grass, hooray!!). He said he wasn't calling them. Eventually we made up, I'm not really sure how. I know it's not good for me to be that upset and have my blood pressure through the roof, and it was so hard to calm down. Please tell me I'm not the only crazy pregnant woman out there. He made me so so mad! I never would hurt him (though I might have thought about it), I need him and I know our baby needs him. He's a good man. I just hate that when he gets mad all he wants to do is retreat to his man cave and all I want to do is hunt him down to "talk it out". It's strange that God made us the way he did,

In other news, we did get grass for the back yard this weekend. All that is needed now is the rock. How exciting!! I'll try to remember to post some pictures.

Hope you guys have a great week!