Monday, October 1, 2012

The Struggles of Being a SAHM

Today, I absolutely love my job.  I would not trade it for anything in the world!  The kids and I are getting over a cold.  I'm so thankful for the children God placed in my life.  There are days when I cannot believe I signed up for this job because it is a mad house here, but today is not one of those:)  I guess it helps that it's my birthday week.  I like to celebrate the whole week, not just the day!  Josh and I have had some financial struggles recently.  When these issues pop up, I immediately go to the place of "God has left me", or "I must have misunderstood His direction".  I start thinking, maybe I misunderstood when God said to trust Him and be a stay-at-home-mom.  Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear and not the logical answer, which was to keep working.  Why would God just up and leave me in this time of despair?  Then physical sickness creeps in and all of us were sick and had to stay home for several days and that just allows the enemy to confuse me all the more.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is not a god of confusion.  His direction is clear and direct, there isn't an aspect of misunderstanding.  You either hear Him and obey or you don't.  There is no grey area with God and He definitely does not leave us.  He may go radio silent, but He is always there hearing my cries.  I can't imagine going through financial difficulty or any difficulty for that matter without an amazing God who loves me more than I will ever know.
I have been looking on Craigslist for jobs.  I would prefer a part-time job that I could do from home.  I'd like to wait to work out of the home until Hayden is 1 and not breastfeeding, but at this point I have applied and sent my resume to numerous companies.  I have heard back from a few, but I haven't even made it to an interview.  I keep feeling like God is saying, "Be still".  What mom out there can do such a crazy thing????  It is not my nature to be still.  I have a toddler, there is minimal stillness in my house!!  I can feel that God is there, I can feel him almost like he is right behind me observing me, but I just don't hear His voice.  He has never left me, never not provided for us and I know He will come through.  I truly don't think God wants me working at this time.  To be honest, I would be sad if I did because I don't want to miss out on the same time with Hayden that I missed out on with Jackson
I'm working on my first reaction.  I have always had a freak-out first reaction.  When Josh has a bad survey and we will be receiving a pay decrease because of the survey, I immediately freak out.  What are we going to do?  How will we make it?  What is going to happen with Josh's job?  On a side note, working commission is like a roller coaster.  There are really great months then there are really bad ones.  It seems like we've had one really bad one after another.  I am in a position where I only have one option.  There is nothing left for me to fall back on but God.  This situation has taught me to run to God as my first reaction.  When we get bad news or something bad happens, I always run to Josh.  He always knows what to say to make me feel better, to quiet my spirit.  I know God wants to be that person I run to.  This is a new learning experience and I have placed my burdens before a loving, generous, merciful God.  I can't carry them any more!  I know that God is good and I'm just hanging on for the ride.  I'm not going to try and force anything to happen. I am struggling, but I'm trying to be still.