Friday, December 13, 2013

Fertility Guilt......

I know these days it seems like women every where are struggling with infertility, so it seems like you never hear about women who have no problem getting pregnant. Although, I guess if you're trying to get pregnant it probably seems like everyone around you is having a baby. I have a little bit of fertility guilt. Here's a little background: I have two children, but before my first was born I had a miscarriage.  I cannot put into words how devastating that was. I remember crying uncontrollably and the feeling of devastation was like a huge weight on my shoulders. Even though I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to avoid it, I still put the blame on myself. I remember not wanting to answer the phone because I didn't want people to ask how I was doing. I really just wanted to get through it on my own in my little cave and then eventually I would come out and I wanted everyone to act as if nothing had happened. Looking back I am thankful for all the people who prayed for and encouraged me during that incredibly difficult time. At the time it was hard to face those people because just when I thought I was going to be able to go to the store without crying, someone would call and ask, "how are you", then I would lose it.
A few months after enduring a miscarriage I became pregnant with my son and had a pretty great pregnancy, even if it ended with a c-section. We knew we wanted another child fairly soon and when my son was 10 months old I was pregnant again with my daughter. We weren't really trying and I remember feeling a little anxious about having babies 18 months apart, but all went well and another pretty eventless pregnancy ended with a beautiful baby girl and my dream of a VBAC!
After having my daughter, I knew I didn't want to do the 18 month apart thing again, but I knew I wanted to at least try for a third baby. If we didn't get pregnant I would be okay, but I always wished my parents had had one more child so I knew I wanted to try for three. We weren't really trying at the time but we weren't trying not to have a baby. I had shared with my husband that I didn't want to be on birth control and I had my IUD removed because I thought it made me feel crazy, so that left condoms as our choice of birth control. My hubby hadn't been fully on bored with the three kids thing so he was very faithful with the "birth control". I'm not sure what happened or what changed his mind, but one day he was okay with a third baby. I told him it could take months to get pregnant and I knew that I was only getting older and we might not get pregnant at all.
I'm happy to announce that I am indeed pregnant with our #3! I have days where I have no idea how it will work since I only have two hands, but then I try to remember to savor every moment of this pregnancy because I know it will be my last. I thank God for the morning sickness that helps me to know my baby is doing what it should be. This is the sickest I've felt out of all my pregnancies, but I'm trying to remember every little thing about this pregnancy. There is a downside, I feel, to all of this. My sister-in-law is struggling with infertility. I think it's been almost two years that they have been trying to have a baby. We told my mother-in-law that I was pregnant and she was happy, but I could tell that she wasn't THAT happy. She didn't ask my anything about how I had been feeling, how many weeks I was, she pretty much just said congratulations and that was it. My husband didn't seem to think it was a big deal and thought I shouldn't look to much into things, but it was then that I was determined to be happy for this baby and grateful for my fertility. I can't pretend to not be pregnant and I'm not going to avoid talking about it. I definitely won't rub it in anyone's face, but I think this baby deserves to have some happy thoughts even if they are only from my husband and I.
I feel for all the women struggling and I know what it's like to go through the loss of a miscarriage. I remember feeling like everyone was getting pregnant or having a baby soon after I had the miscarriage and I know it's difficult to deal with, but I was always happy for my friends. Yes, it was hard and sometimes I would cry when I was alone, but I was happy for my friends and their new additions. I'm looking forward to all that God has in store for us and our new addition to our family!