Jackson's Birth Story

Finally, two weeks later I have a moment to start writing out his birth story.  I went in on a Sunday to be induced.  They gave me Cervadil overnight and I started Pitocin the next day.  At the time I was only dilated to 1 and 60% effaced.  Not a whole lot of action going on:)  The nurse started Pitocin around 11am, the doctor broke my water at 3cm and I handled it all ok until about 3:30pm.  They checked me and I was only dilated to 4, but I needed the epidural!!  I know they say that the epidural only hurts when they give you the numbing shot (like a bee sting), but it was way more uncomfortable than just the "bee sting".  The pressure was very uncomfortable!  I was feeling great about 15 minutes after the epidural was in place.  I made sure to ask them about the epidural pump so that I wouldn't run out of medication:)  At about 11:45pm I was completely dilated and ready to push.  I ended up pushing for 2 1/2 hours and was not really making a whole lot of progress.  The baby had moved down, but after a certain point he wasn't moving any more.  The nurse told me she was going to turn down the epidural pump so I could "feel the pressure".  About an hour after that, I could feel every contraction and it was a pain I will not forget.  And on top of that, the epidural pump had run out of my special happy  juice, so we had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come back to put more medicine in.  Finally, after my progress had pretty much stopped the nurse said she was going to call the doctor to see if he could tell if the baby was facing the wrong way and if he'd be able to turn him.  The doctor had me push with one conraction and he told me that the baby was facing up and his forehead was stuck on my pelvis.  The doctor wouldn't be able to turn him, so we had to get a C-section.

After being in labor for a whole day, I was just ready to have this baby.  I was ok with having a c-section, even though that was not my ideal situation.  It was about 3:15am when we decided to go ahead with the c-section and Jackson was born at 3:52am and I was in recovery by 4:30am.  It was a whirlwind birth!  They wanted me to start nursing him right away, but I couldn't stop shivering.  The operating room was so cold and I just could not get warm.  The nurse said it's all due to the anesthesia they gave me.  Jackson was screaming before they even took him out of me:)  He weighed 9lb 9oz and was 21 3/4 inches long.  It was the greatest thing ever seeing him born.  I was amazed and still had a hard time believing that we actually had a baby now.  I'm still amazed that we have such a sweet baby boy.  He's awesome!  I'm so thankful that he is nursing well and overall he is very healthy.  He sleeps really good at night.  I actually have to wake him up to eat.

In work news- I went in to work today to show off my new bundle of joy and talked to my boss about cutting back my hours and working from home.  He said that my position really needs to be full-time and he wants to keep the things I'm doing in the office rather than allow me to do them from home.  All along I thought I'd be able to work from home and that he would be open to it, especially since he had mentioned getting things setup so I could work from home.  Apparently that is not the case.  I'm not really angry about it, I'm just really disappointed.  I thought this would be an easy yes, sure you can work from home and sure you can cut back your hours.  I want to much to be a stay-at-home-mom, but right now finances will not allow that to happen.  I'm still praying and believing for financial blessing for Josh and his career.  I know God has placed the desire to stay home on my heart and I'm believing for him to provide a way for me to do just that.  I don't know how it will happen, but I trust God either way.  I know His way is best even if I don't like it.  If you think about it, I could use your prayers.  I hope to have more time to update you on my sweet baby boy and our family.

Michelle

Nearly Done!!

Well, I do have some good news to report from the doctor visit yesterday.  It might not be much, but I’m 60% effaced and 1cm dilated.  The doctor seemed pretty excited about that considering for the last 2 weeks I’ve been 50% effaced and that’s about it.  He also said the baby is lower, so I’m considering that to be good news for now.  The doctor said for me to call on Thursday, which is my due date, to schedule a NST.  I’m not sure if they do that at the doctor’s office or the hospital, then he said we can schedule an induction for Monday or Tuesday if the baby isn’t here yet.  I’ve kinda been against the induction because I’ve heard the contractions can be more painful, but I want to do what is best for the baby and I really don’t want a huge baby  The doctor said he’s already over 8lbs.  I guess we’ll find out for sure by early next week.
It’s hard to believe that he’ll be here and I won’t be pregnant next week.  When we were at church on Sunday I told Josh this could be our last church service without a baby.  That made me a little sad, but excited too.  I know having a baby changes everything and I’m praying that we’re prepared for that change. 
There is so much going on starting with the birth of our baby.  My brother will be here late next week, my friend from high school will be here the first week of November, my brother-in-law is getting married mid November (lots of family will be here), then starts the holidays.  I’m a little nervous how the holidays will work this year because of the baby, but before we were even pregnant I told my mom and his mom that we would be spending the holidays at our house.  They are welcome to come and celebrate at our house, but we’re done with the two Thanksgivings and two Christmases.  We’ll see how receptive they are to that.  My mom knows and she’s ok with it.  I don’t know that she likes it, but she’ll tolerate it.  I haven’t talked to my mother-in-law yet about it.  I might let Josh handle that one  At the same time, I love spending Christmas morning with my in-laws.  They make a huge deal about Christmas and it’s just a great time.  Not that my family doesn’t make a big deal of Christmas, I have just loved these past few years spending Christmas morning with my in-laws.  I love watching everyone open gifts even more than I enjoy opening my own gifts.  I guess we’ve got a month or so to decide on that one.
Do you have both sets of family fairly close?  How do you handle the holidays?  I’d love to hear your thoughts and what works for you.

The Good News Is......

We have a healthy baby growing in my belly, the not so good news is that my body is not quite ready to start the eviction process.  I was bummed and I called my husband and cried.  I really felt like there should be something going on to show me that the delivery was getting near, but not this week.  I had been hoping that the baby would be here by the end of this week.  I guess I just had my hopes up that he would come early since he had been measuring a week ahead of schedule based on our ultrasounds.

Then I was remembering where I was this time last year.  I had just found out I was pregnant and I remember praying that the little baby would stay in there and grow healthy and strong.  I wanted so badly for that baby to stay in me, but that was not the path God had for us.  I've been incredibly emotional this week and I think it's because I've been thinking about this time last year.  I know it does get easier and I'm so thankful that we have a healthy baby growing inside of me now, but I still remember that incredible hurt.  Now, I feel kinda bad wanting this baby out of me.  I'm still trying to not worry about it and trust that God has everything under control and has a plan for this baby.  I believe they are great plans!  I'm so excited to meet our baby, but I know we will meet him in God's timing.  God knows how bad my heartburn is, how crampy I've been feeling, how the hot flashes make me crazy and how I have to pee all the time.  He knows it all.  So, I don't have to worry.  I don't have to be concerned about where/when my water will break or when labor will start.  He has seen it all and orchestrated the whole thing.  He knew this baby before he was even formed in me, how amazing is that?  I'm thankful that I serve a God who is bigger than me and sees far more than I see:)

No Baby Yet......

Well friends, no baby yet!  Part of me wants to have this baby out of me so badly and part of me can wait to meet him.  We went to church yesterday and the pastor did a sermon on worrying.  I say that to tell you that I worry about things.  I worry about things that I cannot change and things that are silly to worry about.  I do have a question for you moms out there, how do you not worry?  I wanted to yell from my seat in church yesterday, "how do you expect me to not worry when I'm about to give birth for the first time in the next week or so"?  The pastor said that when we worry, it's a signal that we need to pray.  So, I did a lot of praying yesterday, especially when I couldn't sleep because I was worrying about things.  I worry about the whole labor and delivery process.  I've never done this before so I have no idea what to expect and I don't think the class we took at the hospital did all that to prepare us.  Don't get me wrong, I learned things during the class but really how can you prepare for childbirth when you've never done it before?  I worry about my water breaking at work or the store or anywhere but home for that matter.  I trust God and I know He has a plan for us, I just have issues with not knowing the plan.  I admit it, I'm a control freak!  I wish I had that happy go lucky attitude where not much mattered and I wasn't a control freak.  Josh is a little like that so I guess that's why we make a good couple.  

I've been feeling a little crampy over these past few weeks.  It kinda comes and goes, but is definitely uncomfortable.  I would take some Advil if I wasn't pregnant and these were menstrual cramps.  I have another doctor appointment today and I'm hoping there is some progress going on down there.  The doctor said that if my due date comes and there is no baby that he'll have me wait another week.  He said there is a higher incidence of c-sections when inducing first time moms.  So, pray that I go into labor on my own and I don't have to be induced or have a c-section.  I will do what is best for the baby, whatever that may be.

Josh and I had a date night on Friday, since it might be our last one before the baby gets here.  We had a delicious dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and we even had dessert.  We hardly ever get dessert, but this was a treat for us!

I hope to have news of a baby being born next week!!

36 weeks and who's counting the days??

Well friends we've nearly made it to full-term.  Actually, that will be tomorrow.  I'm excited, but at the same time sad knowing that this adventure of pregnancy is nearly over.  Then again, I'll feel happier when I can sleep on my stomach, not have to literally roll out of the bed in the morning, and have a baby to hold:)  I know babies are much easier to care for while they are inside of you than they are outside of you, but I have some super cute clothes I'd like to try on this little one.  I haven't been keeping up with my pregnancy journal/Dear Baby Harris writings, so I figured I needed to keep up with my blog.  

In work news, I talked to my office manager about my concerns like not having anything to do after the baby comes since I've given everything to the new girl.  She agreed that it would be ok for me to take back my old responsibilities as soon as I'm feeling up to it.  My boss gave me a laptop so I could work from home, which I'm super excited about.  I'd like to work from home long-term, but we'll just have to see how it goes.  I know if the baby is super fussy then it would make working from home more difficult.  I'm believing that God will work a miracle and provide a way for me to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Our wonderful friends in Portland had their official church launch last Sunday and I so wish Josh and I could have been there.  Lately I've been thinking more and more about moving to Portland.  Things at work had been difficult, things at Josh's work had been difficult, and it seems like it would be nice to start over in a new place.  I'm sure our parents would have a very hard time with us moving away, but I want to be in the center of God's will and if He says go then we shall go.  I don't know if it's because of the launch or what, but Portland has been on my heart lately and my friends who are there have been on my heart.  I haven't said much to Josh about it.  I figure if it's the time for us to go God will reveal that to him since he is the priest of our home and God will confirm it with me.  I know Josh would go in a heartbeat.  He's not super close with his family, so that wouldn't be an issue for him.  The issue would be him having a job there.  I, on the other hand, am very close with my parents and I would miss them very much.  The rest of my family is in Texas, so we don't see them often anyway.  My dad travels to Portland quite a bit, so I'm sure I'd still get to see him a few times a year.  I would hate for our baby to not know his grandparents though.  I always pictured him as loving them and knowing them really well.  I know God has all things under control, regardless of my crazy emotions.

In other news, Josh went for his sleep test and the results were inconclusive.  He has to go back.  They did figure out he has sleep apnea, but they were unable to get the settings for the machine since he didn't sleep long enough.  So, I have to endure one more night without my husband.  I'm hoping it's fairly soon so I don't have to worry about going into labor:)   According to the doctor I'm not dilated yet.  I was secretly hoping that I would be showing some sign of labor, but no.  The girl I work with says she has a feeling that I'm going to have to be induced.  I told her to take that back right now!  I'll keep you updated with my progress.

35 Weeks and Stuggling a Bit.......

For those of you who have had children, at what point in pregnancy did you feel like an egg with legs?  I've been struggling to get around lately, especially to change positions in bed.  I never knew it would be that difficult!  If you add to the discomfort a husband who snores then you know that's a recipe for diaster.  Josh went to the sleep doctor last week and did the sleep test the very same day.  He had to stay there overnight, so I wasn't too thrilled about that since it was our first night apart since we've been married.  Suddenly the house became extremely quiet and I became not so concerned with saving electricity and I left many lights on.  We think he has sleep apnea.  When we first got married I noticed that he would stop breathing for more than a few seconds but I never really thought anything of it.  He always snores when he sleeps on his back, but now he's snoring even on his side.  I feel terrible asking him numerous times throughout the night/early morning to turn over, but I would lie there awake if I didn't.  Sometimes I go in the other room or he will after I've asked him more than twice to roll over.  The funny thing is, when he's in the other room he's not snoring!!  What is with that??  Anyway, we'll find out Friday the results of his sleep test.  The technician said she wasn't sure if she was able to get enough information for the doctor, so he might have to go back for another sleep test.  I've been praying that they have all the information they need and we can get the CPAP machine on Friday so both of us can get some good sleep.  He works very hard and is under a lot of stress so it's hard when he wakes up after sleeping for 8 hours and still feels exhausted.  Hopefully the machine will help us both:)  This whole situation isn't helped by my insomnia.  Since I'm awake most of the night I can hear the moment poor Josh starts snoring and I'm very quick to tap him or gently nudge him to let him know.  He's such an awesome husband!

Maybe this insomnia is to help prepare me for what is to come, I don't know.  I'm praying for the ability to sleep through the night soon.  I'm just exhausted and each morning the thought of going to work is just discouraging.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a laptop from work soon and start working from home at least a few days a week.  At least on those days I won't have to get ready and be presentable:)  I'm praying for energy and the ability to get through these last few weeks with a smile on my face.  I really don't want to be a "debbie downer", but that is really hard sometimes.  Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with Josh watching football and I just started crying because I was so uncomfortable.  I guess its' just one of those things that us pregnant ladies have to go through.  Less than 5 weeks to go and I'm so so very excited!

Finally......an Update!

Well, I had been waiting on entering another post so I could put my baby shower pics up, but seeing as I'm pretty bored at work I thought I'd better post an update.  Our baby shower was wonderful!  We had about 40 people at my parents' house to shower us with love.  Of course I had a hot flash while opening gifts, but what can you do?  Now we're just working on getting the remaining stuff we need.  

Today I'm 34 wks 4 days preggo.  I'm definitely more uncomfortable then I've been this whole time.  I am so thankful that I do not have crazy swollen ankles and feet.  My feet are already chubby enough:)  The baby is moving around all the time and sometimes it feels like he's trying to set himself free.  We still don't have a name officially picked out for him.  Since we found out we were having a boy we have liked the name Jaxon and we could call him Jax for short.  I still like that name, but this is a huge decision.  I also really like Bennett and I even like Ben for short.  Josh still has heart set on Jaxon and I'm not sure I can let him down.  I really do like both names.  The girl I work with has know the name of her baby since before she was pregnant.  I've been praying for God to give us a name for our baby.  He did it back in the Bible days and I know he can do it now!

This Sunday was my last Sunday singing on the worship team until after the baby comes.  It was a bit of a relief and a bit sad all at the same time.  I enjoy being on the worship team, but it has been a bit more difficult recently and I'm always nervous that I'm going to have a hot flash while I'm on the stage.  Those hot flashes can come on at any time and I'm not a huge fan of them!!    Josh has been a huge help at home since I'm just not feeling up to doing much lately.  I keep waiting for the "nesting" phase to kick in and my burst of energy to start but nothing so far.  We have the baby's room all ready to go, I think.  Not that he'll be spending much time in there in the beginning anyway.  I'm really trying hard to not be a complainer during this pregnancy and I think my co-workers can see that.  One of the girls I work with even said that I'm just happy Michelle, truckin' along:)  

We hired a new girl in the office to take care of my stuff while I'm gone and initially I didn't like the idea of giving away all of my duties but after a good cry and talking to Josh I realize that someone has to do the work while I'm gone.  I just have a really hard time letting stuff go and delegating, especially when someone doesn't do things EXACTLY how I do.  I've had to learn to let go of things and if they're not done exactly my way, then as long as they're done right it's ok.  It was an incredibly insecure feeling knowing that you're basically showing someone else how to do your job and then in the mean time what are you supposed to do?  I guess blog:)  I talked to the office manager and told her I don't have a problem giving away my stuff as long as she realizes that I don't have much to do after than.  There are a few things that I'll still take care of, but for the most part I don't have much of a job now.  It seems like I had to give everything away a bit early, but I was doing what I was told to do.  I rest in the arms of Christ and I know that in all this craziness at work He has a plan.  I wish I knew what the plan was, but at least I know He's handling it all for me.  I have to keep telling myself that it's not good for the baby for me to be worrying, but it's not good pregnant or not to worry.  I continue to speak exceeding and abundant blessing over Josh and his career as well as direction as the spiritual leader of our home.  I love that husband of mine, he is dreamy!!

What a Weekend!!

Alright ladies, I figured I would update my blog since I'm bored at work and I think blogging seems productive right about now:)

I'm training a new girl at work and although I am struggling to give up my work load, it's kinda nice not having something to do every minute of the day.  Then again, the day does go by much slower when you're not busy but I have so much more time to blog!  I told the other girl I work with that I don't mind giving the new girl all my stuff as long as she didn't mind me being bored and not having anything to do.  It would be kinda nice to work from home towards the end of this pregnancy.  The new girl will work out, she better because I refuse to train someone else.  I don't think I've ever talked so much at work as I have this past week and a half.  I sure do not like training people, but hopefully I did a decent enough job that I'm able to have a bit of peace while I'm on maternity leave.  I'm sure I'll be checking my e-mail periodically to make sure everything is ok.  Oh, man I'm going to love being away from this place for a little while:)

This past Sunday was a great day, busy, but great day.  First we had to be at church at 7:30am because Josh and I were on for worship this week.  I normally dread being there this early, but once I get there it never is as bad as I imagine in my head:)  Then we just hung around town the rest of the day because Josh had to do sound for Chick Night that night.  It just wasn't worth it for us to go all the way home for just an hour or so.  I napped at my parents' house and Josh watched TV for a while.  Oh, and we got the carseat!!  Can you believe it?  I can't believe we're actually going to need that in just 8 weeks or so.  It was a bit exciting:)  Chick Night was amazing!  Initially I did not want to go, I kinda thought I would just go home but then I felt bad that Josh was going to be there (one of the few men who was there) and I thought I should just go.  My mom decided to come with me and she hadn't planned on attending either.  Jennifer, one of the women at church, shared a bit of a testimony and it so touched my heart.  My mom had just been telling me earlier that day that she felt like she didn't want to get involved at church because she was afraid of getting hurt.  I told her that you have to make yourself vulnerable in order to be used by the Lord.  Anyway, Jennifer spoke about this very thing.  It was amazing!  So, going to Chick Night was so worth it:)  I am so thankful that we go to such an amazing church!

We have our last child birth preparation class tonight.  I must admit that I do not feel at all prepared for child birth.  In fact, I've never been so scared in all my life.  Maybe there will be some miraculous thought the teacher will say tonight that will put my mind at ease, I don't know.  I keep waiting for that "Ah Ha" moment.  I still have been struggling with this whole getting the baby out of me thing:)  I don't know if you ever feel completely at ease about the whole thing.  Child birth must be one of those things you just have to experience, you can't really prepare enough for it.  It's been nice to talk to other women who are having babies or have had babies and can share some wonderful information.  I really want to nurse the baby, but I've heard how hard it is and how painful it is and that is concerning.  I thought I wanted to try cloth diapering, but I'm re-thinking that now.  I don't know how I'd cope with washing poop out of 12-15 diapers a day or even more:)

Ladies thanks for all of your comments.  I so appreciate your wisdom!  Would you let this first time mom know if there is something you wish someone would have told you when you had your first baby?  I can't wait to see your responses.

Have a great week!

Nearly 31 Weeks and Starting to Feel Uncomfortable.........

So for those of you who are already moms, do you remember when you became uncomfortable with pregnancy?  All along, I've felt great!  I've had energy, except in the very beginning when I couldn't sleep enough, and overall I've felt really good.  The past few days have been a little more on the rough side.  I haven't been sleeping very well, I'm definitely more uncomfortable.  I've sort of made it my mission to not be a complainer during my pregnancy.  I don't want to take any part of this for granted, so please don't think I'm whining and complaining about the wonderful miracle of pregnancy.  I'm kinda using this as my pregnancy journal so I'll be able to look back on this and see all that was going on. 

Lately, I've been experiencing quite a bit of discomfort in my nether regions if you know what I mean:)  I go to the doctor next week, so I'll be able to ask him more about it but I've read online that this is probably my hips widening in preparation for child birth.  If that's the case, there's nothing they can do about it but offer Tylenol for pain.  The only relief will come with having this baby.  I must admit that I'll miss being pregnant, even with the discomfort.  I love that I can feel the baby moving around, I love knowing he's protected and safe in my belly.  I love that he's never upset in there, or at least if he is it's not something I can hear:)  We have just over 9 weeks to go before my due date and I am scared.  We've been going to the child birth preparation classes and those are scary.  We learned about the epidural last night and all the other pain medications that can be used and I totally see why some moms want to go the natural child birth route.  Everything you take gets passed on to the baby, even the epidural.  Now, I'm not saying I won't get an epidural but I'd like to wait until I'm at least 5cm dilated before I get it (before transition, which I hear is incredibly painful).  I've already been praying about my labor and delivery.  I know that God hears our cries and he knows the desires of our hearts. 

This is such a crazy time in our lives.  We're going to be a family of 3 soon and I know we'll be fine.  I know we'll make it.  Josh and I were talking about how scared we were when we bought our house and here we are a year later doing just fine.  I know the Lord has provided for us in ways we'll never know and we may never see.  The God we serve is awesome and I know He will bless our new little family:)

29 Week Update

Well friends I'm such a bad blogger.  Things have been so busy at work and home that I haven't had much time to write or check on all the updates you all have.  I'll try to read through them tonight:)  We interviewed a new girl to start in the office, but I didn't love her.  I know I probably won't "love" anyone, since it will be someone new.  I was a bit concerned because this girl is a friend of the office manager.  It concerns me because we haven't interviewed anyone else and if I have a complaint about her will I be able to go to the office manager with my concern?  I guess we'll see how it goes.  At 29 weeks, everything seems to be going along smoothly however we did have a bit of a scare Friday.

I normally hang out with my mom on Fridays and we normally go shopping.  This past Friday, we didn't do a whole lot.  We just walked around the mall and then went back home to check on my parents' dogs.  I had been lounging and watching some tv when I had to go to the bathroom.  First of all let me mention that I had not experienced any cramping or anything out of the ordinary this day.  Earlier on that week I had been experiencing some mild cramping, but it went away within a few hours.  When I went to the bathroom I noticed a bit of blood on my underwear.  For some reason this didn't worry me, but then I wiped and there was more bright red blood.  It was more than spotting, but not "flowing".  I definitely was concerned at this point.  You would be proud though, I was not crying:)  I called the doctor and they wanted me to go to the hospital.  I was nervous and crying at this point, but there was definitely a peace in my heart.  Even as my mom was driving me to the hospital, I was still able to hold a normal conversation and smile about things she would mention.  I know she was trying to keep my mind from thinking bad thoughts.  We got into the registration area and then I was taken to triage.  Josh was able to meet me there, but I was thankful that my mom was able to be with me until he got there.  In triage they told us that the baby was very healthy and his heart rate was very good.  The nurse mentioned that there are things the heart rate should be doing in babies further along than I am and our baby was already doing those things.  He was moving around a lot and his heart rate was fluctuating just as it should be with the movement.  They checked me to see if I was dilating or not and I wasn't.  They didn't see any active bleeding (which by the way, I should mention that the bleeding had stopped by the time I got to the hospital).  We had an ultrasound done and there was no bleeding they could see and the placenta was attached properly.  So, this was a case of "unexplained bleeding".  I hate that it was unexplained, but I'm thankful that it has stopped and so far everything is back to uneventful normal.

I thought to myself later, "so much for not being a tp inspector".  I was so thankful that our baby is healthy and they actually measured him as being a week ahead of schedule.  At the same time, I keep thinking what else can happen?  Why did I have to get any bad news during this pregnancy?  I mentioned that thought to a pastor's wife at church and she said that it must mean that there is a great calling on this little guy's life.  I've believed that from the very beginning of my pregnancy.  I've prayed that this child would do great and mighty things for the kingdom of God.  Now, I'll think of the complications I've had in a different way.  God has chosen this baby for Josh and I and I'm so excited to meet him, although I can wait until October:)  I'm thankful for this baby and he is already a blessing to us!  I'm praying this week is a great one!

July 13th Update

Well friends, there is much to write about this week!  Josh and I had our 4th wedding anniversary last week.  It was a little weird thinking about it all.  Throughout the day I would think about what I was doing at this time 4 years ago:)  Maybe that's kinda silly, but I don't want to forget our wonderful wedding day.  At the time, I felt like the day passed by so fast that I didn't have time to take it all in.  Now, I'm just trying to remember every little detail.  Surprisingly, I remember more than I thought I would.  I remembered how my wonderful friend Nia spent the day with me and after getting my hair and makeup done we stopped at McDonald's for lunch and I had my veil and tiara on.  I remember thinking I was crazy for wanting to get married in the summer!  I remember calling Josh and asking him what he was doing that day and he was watching movies that I don't like to watch, like Braveheart:)  I remember my brother trying to wrestle streamers around the trees at the reception site, but it was so windy that he was having a very difficult time.  I remember my mom having everything taken care of, her and my dad worked so hard and I am so blessed to have such wonderful parents!  I remember thinking how much I love Josh, but I never knew how much more I could love him.

So, 4 years later we've been through a lot.  We've lived in 3 different apartments, we even had a roommate when we first got married (I wouldn't recommend this), we've purchased cars together , we've purchased a house together, we've changed churches (and this was a big deal, it may not seem like it), we've learned to love each other in new ways, we've learned a lot.  I remember the pastor's wife at our old church telling me that marriage was work and I brushed it off.  What work could there be???  We love each other and love is really all we need, right?  The truth is marriage is work, but you don't realize it until you're already doing the work.  I hated compromise, it was my way or the highway.  Josh has taught me that I'm not always right, don't tell him I said that!  He has helped me to be more selfless and less selfish.  I tell him quite often that I'm so glad that God blessed me with such a wonderful man, because I don't think there is anyone else out there who could put up with me:)

Now, it's kinda scary knowing that this will be our last anniversary with just the two of us.  I'm excited to have a new member to our family in October, but at the same time it's scary.  There are some days when it still doesn't feel real.  We bought the crib and dresser this weekend and that was really scary for me.  I almost broke down in tears at the store.  I know God is not hiding around the corner just to scare me and say, "gotcha", but it's hard to accept that we really are going to bring a healthy, full-term baby home in October.  My faith has truly been tested and continues to be.  I'm trusting the Lord in this journey because I have no where else to place my faith.  It's hard to think something bad will happen especially when you can feel the kicks of a healthy baby:)

Oh, by the way, we went in for our follow up with the perinatologist and baby boy is completely healthy.  The cysts are gone, the kidneys are within the normal range and he looks to be in perfect health (just what we've been praying for).

My Thought for the Day

Moving Forward

Have you ever heard a song that you may have heard a thousand times, but for some reason it speaks to you the 1,001st time you hear it?  That's what happened to me this Sunday.  At church we sang the song Moving Forward.  I remember singing this song at church shortly after our miscarriage and feeling like I just couldn't "move forward" and really, I didn't want to move forward.  This time, it felt like each and every word was for me.  I know so many people say, "you've just got to move on", but that is so easy to say and soooo hard to do.  This song was just for me on Sunday and maybe it's for you.  Here's a bit of the song:

I'm not going back

I'm moving ahead

I'm here to declare to you

My past is over in you old things are made new

Surrender my life to Christ 

I'm moving moving forward

You make all things new

You make all things new

I will follow you Forward

Lately there have been so many thoughts running through my head.  I so want my husband to be exceedingly and abundantly blessed in his career, there are so many things we have to buy for a baby, I'm trusting God that I'll somehow be able to be a stay at home mom, what if my boss doesn't want me to work from home, what if we don't have enough money saved up to get us through my maternity leave?  I could go on and on.  I'm so excited to have this healthy baby growing inside of me and believe me he lets me know he's there:)  There were times recently when I thought I completely and totally trusted God, but it seems like just when I get to that place He pushes me one more step.  It's like He doesn't want me to be satisfied with the way things are, but He wants to challenge me.  I for one do not want to be challenged, but I know I'll be closer in my relationship to Christ because of these "challenges".

I hope this encourages you today!

Rembering what might have been

I know this is a day late, but I thought I should pay some sort of tribute to our first little one.  Yesterday was the due date of our baby #1.  To be very honest, I hadn't even remembered it until my husband mentioned it to me.  Then that made me feel horrible for not even thinking of our first baby yesterday.  I know our baby #1 is in heaven, but I wish he was here.  I still struggle with why things like miscarriages and stillbirths happen.  I don't understand why someone who could provide for a baby and give it a loving home had that baby taken away from them.  It seems like there are so many teen pregnancies, women who shouldn't be having babies out there, and women who don't even know they're pregnant until they're in labor having healthy babies.  I did everything I knew to do during our first pregnancy.  I ate healthy, I exercised but not too hard, and I tried to stay stress free and all that didn't work.  I'm a Christian and I love God but sometimes it's hard to understand why good people, good parents lose their babies.  It's hard to explain, if there even is an explanation.

So, Baby Uno (as your dad would say) I miss you.  There are still days when I think of you, what you would have grown up to be, what it would be like to have a newborn today.  I know there is a reason why you are not here with us now, although it's hard to believe any reason would comfort me.  I sometimes feel like I should be thinking of you more often, but I know it's sort of a sign we're moving on.  Those first few weeks after you were gone were horrible.  I know I cried at least once a day for weeks.  I knew I couldn't dwell on what could have been, but we had to think about what could be.  I'm so thankful for your daddy being there for me.  You would have thought he was the greatest dad ever:)

Your brother is supposed to be born in October and I believe you're watching over him.  I can feel him moving around in my belly and I never got to that point with you so everything from here on is totally new.  I remember your dad telling me last year that all he wanted for his birthday was to be able to hold you.  His birthday is coming up and you're not here, but we have hope.  We're thinking of you Baby Uno and we miss you.

Overwhelming......

Well Friends,

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.  I'm nearly 23 weeks pregnant and it seems unreal that I would get this far and that we're going to bring a baby home in October.  I can't believe this is happening sometimes.  I've been thinking more and more about what things will be like once the baby is here.  It is my heart's desire to be a stay-at-home-mom.  However, I know that short of a miracle being a SAHM will not be possible.  I know that God is more than capable to bless Josh exceedingly and abundantly in his career and enable him to have the salary we need in order for me to stay home.  I also know that His timing is perfect.  I guess sometimes, I want to prepare myself in case this dream of mine does not come true.  How will I react, what will I do if I have to continue working full-time?  How will I feel having my mom and mother-in-law keep the baby every day?  I've been wanting to talk to my boss about working from home opportunities.  The computer program we use makes this seem like a good possibility, but the girl I work with may not be too happy about it.  I'm not sure when I should talk to them about this.  Any ideas???

I've been pricing out the crib, stroller, dresser, carseat, and all of the other baby gear you need and I'm thinking we have expensive taste:)  Everything is just so expensive.  I've been looking on Craigslist for baby items.  Hopefully I can find some nice, used things there.  My mom and I went to a re-sale shop a few weeks ago and there just wasn't much for boys there.  If you have a girl, then they have tons of clothes!  I guess I just feel like I need to start preparing but at the same time that makes things real.  We're really going to have a baby and we're really going to bring it home.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.  We have bought some clothes and diaper bag and some other little things, but they are all in the closet for now.  We did buy a rocker/recliner this weekend.  I was very excited about this.  We'll be able to keep it in the baby's room for however long we need it and then we can put it in the living room.  It's a really nice piece of furniture and we got a great deal.

This weekend we painted the kitchen and replaced the vertical blinds that were over the arcadia window.  The kitchen area looks so much nicer now.  Josh was not very happy about painting the kitchen.  He really like it as plain white, but now he says it looks "richer".  Good thing we picked a good color or I would have been in trouble:)  Josh had a great almost first Father's Day.  I got him a new video game, good thing he's able to play for now:)  We had lunch with my dad and we had dinner with Josh's dad on Monday, so we had a great Father's day weekend!

Here We Are.....

Well, here we are at 21 weeks 4 days.  It's hard to believe that we're on the down side of the hill now.  I still amazed with the idea that in a few short months we'll have a baby at home with us.  Lately I've been reading quite a few blogs other women have written regarding the loss of their babies, whether through miscarriage or stillbirth.  I'm not sure why I'm drawn to these blogs.  It breaks my heart to read these stories, but I kinda feel like I'm recovering by reading them.  Sometimes I feel like I never really "recovered" from my loss.  I don't know how you do that really.  I know so many women said that getting pregnant again was the thing that helped them to recover, but that is not the case for me.  Even in this pregnancy, I'm fearful of any bad news.  Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that this baby that is growing inside of me is His and He has His hand on our little one.  From the very beginning of this pregnancy I told God that I knew this baby was His and He would protect my peanut.  God has never let me down, and I mean never!  So, why is it so hard to trust Him?  I keep thinking, He took that first baby away from me, what keeps Him from taking this one?  I know these are probably horrible thoughts to have and I'm just being honest, but being pregnant after a loss is difficult just in a different way.  It makes me so sad sometimes.  

Here we are 7 months after a loss and a few weeks before our first due date and I feel good.  Yes, I have moments where I want to completely break down and sometimes I do.  Sometimes I wish I could explain to my husband all that I'm feeling and the thousands of thoughts that are running through my head.  I'm not sure if any mother ever "gets over" the loss of a baby.  I know I was only 9 weeks along when we lost our baby, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  Feeling this little one move around now is just about the greatest thing ever!  I love knowing he's alive and well.  Although he'll never take the place of our lost baby, I have to be positive for the baby that is here with us and sometimes that is hard.

This Sunday our Pastor's sermon was "Think Four:Eight".  This series is just what I needed!  It's based on Philippians 4:8-

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

 So, think positive, think about things that are good.  I so needed to hear the verse about taking every thought captive.  I need to remember that the way I think is so important.  If I'm being negative and a debbie downer, then my day will also be that way. So, this week I'm fixing my thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.  I'm trusting God for great things in my life.  So, here we are.....in a better state of mind, choosing to be positive, and loving the God who takes such good care of my family and I:)  

Have a great week friends!

Update After the Specialist

Well after a bit of a stressful wait at the perinatologist's office, I can say that we have some comfort.  Our baby boy does have slightly dilated kidneys, although the doctor did mention that she isn't worried about them.  They are still functioning and are not blocked.  She said that most of the time this clears up on its own before delivery.  There was no abnormal amount of fluid in his lateral ventricles, but he did have some chroid plexus cysts.  She said that these will also most likely clear up before delivery or even my next ultrasound.  The doctor did give us some comfort in that our baby looks completely healthy right now.  All of his other measurements are perfectly normal and he was moving around all over.  Both of these issues are considered markers for down syndrome, so she did offer us an amnio.  I have known all along that I didn't want an amnio.  First of all, it's incredibly scary for me and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my baby because of a test.  Josh and I are confident that our baby is completely fine.  I've been praying that he would be in perfect health since I found out I was pregnant.  I honestly don't feel like there is anything wrong with him, though my emotions get the best of me sometimes.  There are moments when I feel like it would be ok if he had DS and then I feel like I'm letting God down.  Like I'm not trusting Him like I should.  The doctor mentioned getting an amnio as soon as possible if we were considering termination, but that isn't an option for us.  

I knew from the beginning of this pregnancy that this baby was going to be completely healthy, in every way, no genetic issues.  I have to continue having that faith.  I remember our pastor telling us that verse in 1 John I think, that perfect love casts out all fear.  So, each day I'm praying for a new dose of peace to get through the day and have confidence that my God is in control.  He loves me and He loves our baby boy.  Before our baby was formed He knew him, how awesome is that.  I'm believing that He has great things in store for our sweet baby boy.

In other news, I would love to hear from you all regarding this crazy hunger I have all day long.  How do you cope with it?  I know it's ok to gain weight now and all, but if I ate every time I was hungry I'd be eating all day.  Some days I never feel full:)  I try to eat healthily but it's a struggle, because who craves carrots???

A bit of a bump in the road.....

Well friends, it's good to be home.  Josh and I went on a vacation to San Diego last week and it was wonderful!  We did so much walking, I mean so so much walking:)  I really enjoyed our time together.  On a normal day we see each other for a few hours in the evening, but that's about it.  It was nice to spend an entire week together with no distractions, other than the Suns/Lakers games:)

Yesterday I was 19 weeks 5 days and we went in for our anatomy scan at the doctor's office.  Josh hadn't seen the baby since he was a mere 8 weeks old, so I knew it would be special to see him nearly 11 weeks later.  It's amazing to me how babies (and moms) grow.  We got to see a good face shot of out little man.  We know he is definitely a boy, we could see him opening and shutting his hands, it was just great.  Then we had to wait to see the doctor regarding the results of the ultrasound.  Of course the u/s tech tells you pretty much nothing other than what you're looking at, like there his hand, there's his kidneys, etc.  The doctor came in and she said there was some reason for concern based on the u/s results.  Apparently our little man has slightly dilated kidneys, which she said can be normal in boys.  He also has more fluid than they like to see in some part of his brain, this is also more common in boys.  To be very honest I don't remember exactly what she said.  I didn't even think to ask how dilated are the kidneys and how much fluid more than normal is there?  I should have gotten everything in writing so I could look over it later.  They are referring us to a perinatologist for further evaluation and a level 2 u/s.  Of course we got home and googled the info we had just received.  I think Josh remembered better than I did.  Other than those 2 things everything else looked fine.  She did say that the baby was not in a real good position to look at everything.  So, Friday we go for our perinatologist appointment.  This whole thing is a bit scary.  I guess I was just floored when the doctor told us we should be concerned.  You go into this whole thing and think they are going to tell you what a healthy baby you have and anything that is not normal is just not a good thing.  The doctor did say that both of these issues could resolve themselves over the next few weeks, so we shall see.  

I keep thinking, well the u/s tech had a hard time getting a good look at his brain because his head was right behind my bellybutton.  She just kept mentioning that she was having a hard time.  Hopefully the perinatologist will be able to get a better look at things.  I'm praying that they don't recommend an amnio.  I just really don't want one of those.  So, my perfectly normal pregnancy is not so perfectly normal anymore, but I'm hanging in there and praying for the best.

Please be in prayer for our little one this week if you think about it.  I'm believing that this is all nothing and everything will clear itself up.  We serve a God who is a healer and I know He can heal our lil' one.

Great Weekend!

Well, I have some news to report!!  I went to the doctor on Friday for my regular 16 week appointment.  I was confident and had been praying that the nurse would be able to find the heart beat quickly.  After all, they could hear it clearly at 12 weeks.  Well, the nurse came in and she spent a few minutes looking for the heartbeat but could not find it.  At this point I was a bit nervous, but still composed.  I thought to myself that this can't be happening, this is Mother's Day weekend.  I told myself that God has blessed us with this baby and this would be a great Mother's Day!  Then the doctor came in and she tried to find the heartbeat.  I'm assuming she could tell I was starting to panic because she said that she didn't want to keep me waiting any longer and we would just do an ultrasound.  I'm amazed that I didn't start crying throughout this ordeal, but I felt some sort of peace in the midst of this chaos.  As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand thing on my belly she assured me that there was a heart beat.  I had been hoping to see the baby moving around, but I guess the baby was sleeping.  It was amazing to see our little bundle so much bigger than when we had seen it last.  The last ultrasound I had was at 8 weeks and my how things change in 8 weeks!  I didn't think I'd be getting an ultrasound, so I didn't have DH or my mom come with me and I wish I would have.  I just felt like I needed to try going to the doctor alone.  

Well, the tech asked me if I wanted to see between the legs and I said of course without even thinking twice!!  She told us that we are having a boy!  I can't remember if I had said this in a previous post but I had felt like we were having a boy from the very beginning of our pregnancy.  I'm thrilled and of course so is my husband.  I know he really wanted a boy!  Now we have to think of boy names and we have none that we really like, at least none I really like.  I keep praying that God will reveal a name to us just like He did back in the Bible.  We've still got some time, so I'm not in too much of a hurry.  I was looking online yesterday for unique baby boy names and I came upon this website that had the craziest names I've ever seen.  Here's a few:  Huntquail, Napalm, Stephenever, Clicker, Prymal.  I want our baby to have a unique name, but maybe not that unique.  Any good ideas you'd be willing to share?

I had a really good, almost Mother's Day.  DH got me some flowers and a sweet card.  My parents got me a bracelet with a baby carriage charm and my MIL gave me some money towards maternity clothes.  We all had lunch at my parents house and everything was great.  DH and his brother played corn hole in the back yard and it was a relaxing day overall (other than the laundry I had to do when I got home).  I was telling DH how I remember praying last Mother's Day that this Mother's Day would be different, that we would either have a baby or be expecting a baby.  Even though we endured the loss in November, God makes all things new.  There are absolutely days when I think I'll have a melt down and all I can do is think about my first pregnancy.  I know many women said that the only thing that helped them recover from the loss  was having another baby, but for me it's not that way.  Although I'm incredibly excited about our baby boy, there is still a part of my heart that aches for our first baby.  I know time will heal.  God is so good!! 

15 week update

It's hard to believe that we've made it to 15 weeks!  None of my pre-preggo clothes fit without the bella band and even with it, my clothes are just not comfortable.  However, I love the knit gaucho pants and skirts from Target!  I'm finally eating meat again.  When I was having morning sickness, meat was totally off limits.  Last Friday my mom and I were out for lunch and she mentioned going to Chick-Fil-A.  For some reason, that sounded wonderful.  I got the original chicken sandwich and it was great!!  I had been wondering for the past few days if I was just scared of eating meat again or if I would really get sick.  Turns out, I was just scared of it.  DH is so grateful, he said he was gettting worried that it would be a permanent thing:)

While I'm getting more and more excited, I still have my moments of concern.  I have my 16 week dr. appointment this week and again the nervousness sets in.  I thought I would be excited to hear the heartbeat again, to ask the doctor all the questions I forgot to ask the last time, but I'm scared at the same time.  I know, God is good and He has given us this sweet baby, but I don't think you ever get over those words, "there is no heartbeat".  It's been nearly 6 months (wow, I can't believe it's been that long) since the miscarriage, but every time I have a doctor's appointment it's like a fresh wound all over again.  I know God is teaching DH and I something through this.  I know He's especially teaching me to have faith in Him.  Each day I pray for peace to get through the day and I guess that's all I need.  I'm definitely not freaking out every day, but there is some concern.  I am placing my complete trust in God right now.  I know this road I'm on is forever changed, but I'm slowly finding joy in the journey I'm on. 

Have a great week!

I have been following The Pifer's Journey Through Infertility blog for a while now and I just love Tiffany's positive outlook and she is so encouraging.  Today she is giving away an adorable onesie.  Check it out- http://piferreviews.blogspot.com/.  I know some of you are not parents quite yet, but how cute would this be on your future baby??  I love what it says and I'm hoping to one day put it on my future "bundle":)

Oh, the Drama of a Washing Machine

Well friends, I have officially lost it.  I cried yesterday because of the washing machine.  It's a bit of a long story, but I'm going to tell it anyway.  When DH and I moved into our house it came with new appliances, including a washing machine and dryer.  These were GE brand appliances.  They are not the top of the line, but they worked considering we didn't have any appliances coming from an apartment.  This washing machine has driven me crazy from day one.  DH wears black dress pants to work everyday (this is part of a uniform type outfit).  When ever I would wash his pants there would be this white residue all over them.  I started setting the machine on the 2nd rinse cycle and it still has not helped.  The "super" spin cycle doesn't help either, I'm sure (wish I could change that).  We have had the repair person come out and take a look at it and he said he'd never seen that before, but that he thought it was because we have a water softener and I was using too much soap.  So, I got special dark clothes soap and used so very little of it.  I want his clothes to smell at least a little clean.  All of this is to say, yesterday while doing laundry his pants came out with all this white stuff on them and I lost it.  I told DH how I hated the washing machine, how we needed a new one that worked properly and was able to clean all sorts of fabric, colors, and do it with soft water.  Oh, how I despise this machine!!  You shouldn't have the clothes come out looking worse than when they went in, isn't that the purpose of a washing machine?? 

I was sharing my story with the girl I work with and she suggested washing the pants inside out.  I'm definitely trying that next time.  I know I'm super emotional, I'm super emotional when I'm not pregnant.  Poor DH, he has sure been a trooper through all of this.  He's a wonderful husband and just a great man.  I always tell him how I'm so thankful that he chose me, I'm thankful that God placed us in eachother's lives at the perfect time. 

I just wanted to share with you a bit of my weekend and I hope you had a great weekend:)

A HUGE Fight

Have you ever gotten in one of those knock-out brawl type fights with your spouse or significant other? DH and I have had just a few in our nearly 4 years of marriage, but when we do boy are they HUGE! Well, Sunday of all days seems to be our day, yes we had a huge fight. The best part is that I'm trying really hard to remember what my point was in the whole thing. It started at church. The pastor was talking and DH kept nudging me, so I shoved his arm away. I was trying to pay attention and I thought DH was just trying to be funny. I knew in an instant that it was a bit rough, so I tried to hold his hand right away. It was my way of apologizing without saying the words:) We got in the car and I knew I had hurt his feelings, and he told me I had. I apologized, then I made the worst mistake ever- I asked him what he was doing. He never nudges me like that, so I wasn't sure what message he was trying to convey. From there, the argument escalated and got more and more heated. We had to stop at Sam's Club on the way home and I told him I'm wasn't going in there like this and he said, "Fine"! Then he left and went in there without me. I was IRATE at this point! How dare you leave me hear in a heap of tears in the hot car by myself (by the way, he left the keys and I went in and had a drink and pretzel and cheese while waiting for him)!! Now I know that pregnancy can really affect your emotions and hormones, but that didn't help me to be any less angry. If anything, I was more angry because he wasn't being extra nice considering my "condition".

The car ride home was more yelling and tears. I told him to call his parents and mine to tell them not to come over for lunch (we were having lunch for everyone since our backyard now has grass, hooray!!). He said he wasn't calling them. Eventually we made up, I'm not really sure how. I know it's not good for me to be that upset and have my blood pressure through the roof, and it was so hard to calm down. Please tell me I'm not the only crazy pregnant woman out there. He made me so so mad! I never would hurt him (though I might have thought about it), I need him and I know our baby needs him. He's a good man. I just hate that when he gets mad all he wants to do is retreat to his man cave and all I want to do is hunt him down to "talk it out". It's strange that God made us the way he did,

In other news, we did get grass for the back yard this weekend. All that is needed now is the rock. How exciting!! I'll try to remember to post some pictures.

Hope you guys have a great week!

Well, we've made it to 13 weeks and I'm definitely feeling more excited now. After our wonderful doctor's appointment last week I even went with my mom to Pottery Barn Kids to look at baby furniture. Up until now, I haven't allowed myself to go there. I haven't looked at baby stuff at all. Last time I was looking at Babies 'R' Us online everyday at work. Although I feel more relaxed and I am becoming confident that things will be different this time; it's hard to let myself go there. I know, I know, trust God, lean on Him and He will give you strength. I know God is not up there waiting to say, "gotcha". But at the same time it is difficult to believe that in October we'll be bringing home a baby. Some days it's just not real and other days it's all I can think about.

I read online that the baby may be able to hear mom's voice during week 13 so I said hi to him/her. It's almost like I don't want to get too attached to this baby, but then am I doing a disservice to this baby by not bonding with it? Maybe when I feel it move, then I'll be able to know everything is okay, but then it's like what's next? First it was when I see it on the ultrasound screen, then it was when we have the 12 week appointment and hear the heart beat. I'm definitely praying for a change of heart at this point. I need to pray that God would restore my joy. Overall I'm pretty happy, except when my husband is snoring like a bear (that will be another post to come).

I can't remember if I said it before, but DH and I are thinking that this baby is a boy (my mom too). The other night I asked him if he really had a feeling it was a boy or if he just thought it was a boy because that is what he wanted. He didn't really give me a straight answer, but he did tell me that he wants a boy. I asked him if he'd be upset if it was a girl and he said of course not. I guess most men want to have a boy for their first baby, so we shall find out come mid May. Either way, I just want to have a healthy, full-term baby.

Sleeping with a Bear

We've been staying at my parents' house since they are out of town and they needed someone to stay with the dogs. I normally don't mind too much because I love the dogs and they live closer to my work than I do. The only issue I have is the sleeping arrangements. DH and I have a king size, very nice bed at home. When we stay at my parents' house we stay in the guest bedroom because he would have issues sleeping in my parents' bed (I would have the same issue at my in-laws house). Last night we were in bed and the "bear" starts making his appearance. I already have a difficult time sleeping there just because it's not MY bed, then add the bear on top of everything else. DH turns into a bear at night. He makes all kinds of noise!! Last night I told him to turn over (usually that helps) and he said his back was hurting and he would "try to not snore". No such luck. Finally at 4:30am I went to sleep in my parent's room because I couldn't take it any more. I get up around 5:30am to get ready for work and went back in the guest room to get my clothes and lookey there, DH sleeping on his stomach, not snoring at all and I wasn't even there to enjoy it:)

12 Weeks!!

Well, here we are at a little over 12 weeks. I'm so so excited!! I had my 12 week doctor's appointment on Friday. I had been praying since my last appointment that they would be able to find the heartbeat quickly and sure enough as soon as the nurse put the doppler on my belly we heard the heartbeat. I had been very nervous about this appointment. It's very hard to put the negative things you've been through behind you and think totally positive. I was so thankful that Josh went with me. I know it was the enemy who kept putting thoughts in my head and I know we serve a God who is so much bigger than my negative thoughts. Take captive every thought, right? Now I feel more comfortable about telling people.

I keep looking at my belly to see if it's getting bigger, I'm pretty sure it is because I can't button any of my pants:) But I don't have the infamous "baby bump" quite yet. I've been feeling really good these past 2 weeks. I'm thankful the nausea is gone, I still have the exhaustion but I can handle that. I'm still not eating meat and I still have many food aversions, but hopefully they will get better. Yesterday we had chinese food and I thought I wanted shrimp. Then they brought me the shrimp and I realized I did not want shrimp:)

So far, things are going really well. I am amazed each day at how good God is. I know He has handpicked this baby for us. I know there can be numerous complications in any pregnancy, but I'm believing that this pregnancy is going to be different, this time there will be no complications and we will bring home a healthy, full term baby in October!!

Good Friday

So, Good Friday is coming up in two days and I must admit that I don't like Good Friday that much. I know we need to remember what Jesus did for us, but I really struggle with this. I did see The Passion of the Christ movie when it came out and I do not want to see it again. At our church we have a Good Friday service and last year was the first year we went to it. I was very nervous because at our previous church they had shown parts of The Passion movie. I was afraid I would become a blubbering mess at church if I saw this. They didn't show any scenes from the movie, so I was thankful.

Today, I was reading in Leviticus (I know, the Old Testament is rough in some places but hear me out on this). God had just gone through the blessings and curses that would come upon the Israelites if the obeyed or disobeyed Him. There were a number of references to "remember" what God had done for the people. By this time, there was a new generation that was being raised up who had not seen all God had done for the Israelites in Egypt- the plagues, the signs and wonders, the water from a rock. God wanted the adults to remember what they had been through, what they had seen so they could share those stories with their children. When I read this, it kinda hit me that Good Friday is just like what I had read. God wants us to remember what Jesus did for us, the suffering, the pain. But we know that Sunday is on the way!! Even though He died for us we know that He is not dead! He is risen!! Knowing that God wants us to remember and knowing that He speaks to me even while reading the Old Testament:) I'm sure I'll be emotional on Good Friday, but there is the hope of Sunday of knowing that Jesus is not in the tomb. He is alive and well and hears us when we cry, He knows right where we are, He sees every tear, He loves us more than we will ever know!!

So Happy Easter if I don't blog again before then!

New Schedule

Well, this week started my new schedule at work. I know work 7-5 Monday-Thursday and have Fridays off. Oh, to have Fridays off:) I'm very excited to have Fridays off, but getting to work at 7 has been rough. I miss seeing Josh in the morning since he doesn't have to get up until after I leave for work. I'm thankful to have Fridays off so I can schedule appointments and not worry about missing work. So far (these 2 days) it hasn't been too bad. I haven't been sleeping to well so lately I'm already awake when it's time to get up.

Easter is coming up and I love Easter! There aren't many holidays I don't like:) We'll be having a brunch at my parents' house. Originally Josh and I wanted to have a brunch at our house, but since I'm in the choir this year it just wouldn't work out.

In vacation news, we've decided against going to Hawaii. While I would love to go and see the beauty of Hawaii, we know it's probably not a good idea to spend over $2000 on a vacation when we've got a baby on the way. We'll take a vacation, but not to Hawaii. We were thinking maybe Durango, CO. It will be cooler there than here:) Any other ideas for a less expensive vacation? We've been to San Diego so many times, Josh isn't interested in going this year. I never get tired of seeing the ocean, but it would be cool to go somewhere new.

Josh's mom is doing better. She's started watching the kids again, she just gets tired easily. We're continuing to keep her in our prayers. Also, my brother re-dedicated his life to the Lord a few weeks ago. We've been praying for him and I'm so excited for him. I know God has great things in store for him.

Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Well, friends I've struggled with this for some time. I wasn't sure when to share this news.

We're pregnant!

I feel so excited, scared, nervous, anxious, and happy all in one. Part of me didn't want to share this with all of you because last time I was so eager to share and this time I wanted to really soak it all in and be cautious in my announcement. It's kinda at a point where I have so much I want to share with you that I'm tired of keeping the secret. Also, I was at church last week and the pastor's wife was talking about how sometimes we have a hard time asking people to pray for us because we feel like we're a burden or something like that. That made me think, even if this baby isn't meant to be for us I still need and appreciate the prayers of friends and family. So, here I am, asking for your prayers for a healthy baby and healthy mom.

Of course I have to share the entire story, just so you know it's long:)

Before this all started I had been concerned about my hormones. I never felt normal after the m/c. I know this is terrible, but I had convinced myself that I had PCOS. So, I bought an OPK only to determine if I was ovulating. A side effect could have been me getting pregnant, but I at least wanted to know that I was ovulating. My surge never showed up. Maybe I didn't do the test correctly or I did it at the wrong time, but there was no surge. I just assumed that after this cycle I'd make an appointment with the doctor to see what medication I needed to be on to ovulate. Somewhere in there I must have ovulated. About 10 days before AF was due I started having waves of nausea. I remember DH and I getting ready for a walk and I bent over to tie my shoes and I really felt it. I cried. I didn't know if I could do it, could WE do it, were we ready for this, was my body ready for this. There were so many questions. But DH told me we'd be ok and we'd make it through this. I waited and waited to take the test, but in my heart I knew it would be positive. 2 days before AF was due I decided to take one and low and behold it was a BFP!! I left the test in the bathroom and put a sticky note that said "Guess What!!!". I also put DH's glasses in there in case he needed them:)

I made an appointment with the doctor for the next day. I wanted to have my progesterone checked asap since it was low last time. Beta and progesterone levels were good, but she said I should probably go ahead and take the prog. supplement and I had some left from before so it wasn't a big deal. We had our first u/s at 7w4d. To our surprise the baby was measuring 5 days bigger, so technically the baby was 8w2d. I was so so nervous. I couldn't wait to hear what the heart rate was- it was 158!!! I was ecstatic!! Of course I started crying right then. DH was with me, so it was super special for us to see such a healthy baby together. It was really hard not to think about the last time we were here; the last time we were getting an u/s, the last time we saw a baby on the screen. Last time, it wasn't good. Oh, but this time!! I am so thankful how God makes all things new!!

There are moments when feel robbed of my first pregnancy joy, but I have a new joy, a joy that is even better. I have a joy that even though things were horrible, it does get better. God is so good!! I still worry about this baby, but it's not like it was before. I had dinner with a friend a few nights ago and we talked about the first pregnancy. During my first pregnancy I was fearful of a miscarriage from the beginning. I remember telling her how scared I was and how I was so worried about having a miscarriage. Who does that? What kind of crazy person is already talking about a miscarriage when they should be joyful? Maybe that was the Holy Spirit preparing me, I don't know. This time I feel completely different. I have complete peace (and I'm more sick). I can't even describe it, it's like I'm not even worried about the baby. Please don't get me wrong, I pray like crazy over this baby, but I don't dwell on the negative and I'm not fearful.

I'm still not out of the first trimester yet. I have my next appointment in a few weeks and I'm already praying that the doctor will be able to find the heart beat quickly and that it will still be a healthy lil' pumpkin in there. The waiting between appointments is so hard. I'm thinking of renting a doppler, but then they say that you may worry even more if you can't find the heart beat. Any thoughts on that?

Well friends, I'm excited to have you on this journey with me.

Bad Blogger

I have to apologize for being such a bad blogger lately. I so look forward to blogging at least once a week even if it's just to vent. Life has gotten the better of me and I've been a slacker. My MIL has been in the hospital all week. FIL took her in Monday night and she's still there. We were very concerned for her health for a while and still are, but it appears that she's on the mend. My personal opinion is that she needs to make her self a priority and take better care of herself. She deserves it! She takes care of children in her home, so I can understand that it makes it difficult for her to take time off and go to the doctor. Hopefully after this experience, she'll make those necessary appointments.

DH has been working in the yard over the past few weekends. He is working hard on a sprinkler/drip system. He actually got it working and turned it on last night, but he's got a few things to complete before we get the plants, grass and rock. I'm excited to have a yard that you can show people and not just dirt with a few weeds growing:) I need to post some pictures of his work so far. I'm really proud of him! I was nervous for him to do this because he's never done it before, but he's very handy so I knew he'd get it done. I've been kinda lazy lately as far as house work. I was going to wait to vacuum until DH was done tracking dirt in the house due to the sprinkler system, but last night I had to vacuum. I hated that dirt was sticking to my bare feet when I walked on the tile. I guess then you know it's bad:)

Between work, church, and hospital this week we've been super busy. I'm hoping this weekend we can relax, although I'm sure that DH will have yard work to do:)

Oh, and by the way, the girl I work with went in for her beta Monday and it was 580 and then it was over 1200 on Wednesday. She's not really excited yet, at least from what I can tell. I know about being cautious at this stage, but I'm so happy for her. I told her that there were a lot of people praying for her and she said she was thankful for that. There were people who didn't even know her praying, I hope that made an impression on her. I'm praying for the opportunity to witness to her and I'm just waiting on His leading.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

March 10, 2010

Well, I feel like I'm a terrible blogger. My original goal was to update this blog at least once a week, but when I don't have much to report it makes things a bit difficult:) DH and I have both been sick over the past week. It's some horrible cold and a week later, I still have that low, sexy, smelly cat voice:)

I was listening to my Ipod yesterday while I was at the gym and there was a song (I hope I remember it correctly, forgive me if it's not quoted properly)that I have heard a number of times, but this time I was nearly brought to tears. It was a Francesca Battistelli song. I can't even remember the name of it, but in the chorus she says:

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I love the part that says He's making my life something so beautiful. Sometimes I feel like my life is a gross mess to God. I know I need to trust Him more, I need to rest in his arms, I need to just improve. In spite of all my mistakes and mishaps and my shortcomings, He is making my life beautiful and His mercy is reaching to save me. I love that! I've come to realize that even though I can choose to be angry at God, I can choose to turn my back on Him, He chooses to reach for me. When I'm in a pit filled with pity and doubt He reaches down to me. I'm so thankful that I serve a God who reaches out to me. So, blogger friends I'm praying for you today! I hope you have a wonderful week:)

Awkward Moment

Have you ever had one of those awkward, "I'm having a baby and your not" awkward moments. I'm sure we all have at some point, but it seems like when you want to be pregnant or you have recently had a miscarriage, just about everyone around you is pregnant or recently had a baby. While I'm thankful that I've not felt bitter towards any of my "blessed with child" friends, there is a bit of awkwardness sometimes. Maybe I'm the only one in the room that feels it, but it's there.

Here's what brings me to this post. I was scheduled to be on the praise and worship team at church last week. I need to mention that every other woman on the team has had at least one child, except for me and one other person who is not married. I totally understand that when you have children your conversations are about the children; what they do, where they are developmentally, what they like and don't like, etc. This will most definitely be the case when we have a baby also, but I wish sometimes that we didn't have to talk about the babies. Please don't get me wrong, I love babies and want to have one of my own very much but I like to talk about other things too. Anyway, back to my original story. I've kinda felt left out of the group because I feel like I don't fit in as well since I don't have a child. All of the girls kinda gathered together and were, of course, talking about children. One of the girls does not know about my previous m/c and I would have told her about it if I hadn't felt like I would burst into tears at that moment. By the way, I'm normally ok to talk about it if it is one on one. I'm not ready for the group thing yet. This person has asked me a few times when Josh and I are going to have a baby and I've told her every time that we were working on it. What else can you say? But standing with this wonderful group of women, I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like one of these things isn't the same, one of these things doesn't belong. Have you ever been there? They weren't being mean or anything, I just didn't fit in. They were talking about babies, who was having them, who wanted more and then I feel like all eyes are on me.

I know that the enemy takes every opportunity to remind me of my loss, to bring me right back to the place I was 3 months ago instead of letting me be the overcomer I know I need to be. I know he wants me to live in that anger, to remember it. So, I went up for prayer on Sunday with Josh and the pastor who had prayed for us gave me a note after we were done.

1 John 4:18 ...."Perfect Love drives out all fear"

Yes, I'm absolutely scared of having another m/c but I'm giving that fear to God. I'm ready to think about wonderful and good things. I'm ready to move on, not that I'll forget all that I've been through. I'm just ready to stop dwelling on the bad things that have happened.

I'm praying for you blog followers!

A Revelation

This weekend my husband and I attended a marriage conference at our church. We had a great time and it was nice to spend a few days focusing on our marriage. We even renewed our vows at the end of the conference (as a group, but I still cried). We met some really great people and had lunch with them Saturday. After we got home, I kinda wanted Josh to hang out with me and continue to focus on me (I know, I completely admit to being selfish). He wanted to do yard work and play his computer game. I guess I was fine with that, I made us a nice Valentine's Day dinner and dessert. I went to the bathroom and I was looking in the mirror and I know God spoke to me. I know I couldn't have come up with something as good as this:) He said, "The past is the past, you learn from it and grow from it, but it's just that- the past. Don't live in it". I really needed to hear that. There are lots of things in my past that I'm so thankful I don't re-live every day. I'm thankful for the things that have happened in my past to make me the person I am today, but I'm even more thankful that I don't have to live in the past.

Last week I remembered the verse in James where he says consider it pure joy when you face trials. Throughout this most recent trial, I know I did not consider it joy in the least bit. I was angry with God, I couldn't believe He would allow such a thing to happen. Lately I've been trying to thank God for allowing Josh and I to go through that difficult time. Not that I'm thankful we lost our baby, but I'm thankful for the things we were taught through it. I hope that makes sense. I still struggle with it, I still say thank you through clenched teeth at times. I want God to mold me into the woman, daughter, wife, friend, and mother that He wants me to be.

So I'm starting this week with a different perspective. I'm thankful, I'm grateful, I'm trying really hard not to complain, I want to soak it all in.

Do you ever feel ........

Do you ever feel like your pregnant and you're not? Does your mind play tricks on you like mine does? Since having a miscarriage in November it has been my mission to get pregnant again, but at the same time I'm terrified of being preggo again. What if the same thing happens again? I sometimes feel nauseous and then wonder if that's morning sickness. I wonder if my bb's are more sore than normal. It's like I have a heightened awareness of my body and I question everything.

Have any of you gone through a miscarriage and gone on to have a successful pregnancy? I feel like I'm so devasted when I'm not pregnant but then if I find out I am will I be able to get over the fear? I read in another blog today that she felt cheated out of the joy of a first pregnancy. I can totally relate to that. It's like my innocence was lost with that miscarriage. I'll never have that giddiness over the first pregnancy again. I've been praying that when the time is right God will give DH and I His complete peace. I know that is the only thing that got me through the m/c and the only thing that will get me through another pregnancy.

The girl I work with is going through IVF and I was pretty nervous to tell her I was pregnant back in October. I didn't want to hurt her in any way. We had only been off the pill for 4 months. Even though I wanted to be pregnant the first month off the pill I was thankful that it only took 4 months. Then 2 weeks later I had to tell her that there was no heart beat. I know the next time around I'm going to wait longer to tell people, for sure!! Not that I didn't love and appreciate the support we received. It was just devastating to tell people that you had just had a m/c the week after you told them you were pregnant. I have fasted and prayed for healthy babies this year and I know my God is a big god and he is more than able to bless us with healthy babies.

My co-worker is going to have her first IVF transfer in March and I'm praying that it works for her. Her and her husband have invested a lot of money and time and effort into this. They've been trying for at least 4 years. Please keep her in your prayers over these next few weeks.

Cows, Calves, and Babies

Let me start by saying that this is my way of looking at nature and relating it to my life, so it might sound weird but it's perfectly normal in my crazy mind!!

Everyday on my way to work I drive past a dairy. I love to look at the cows on the dairy. I'm not sure why, but they are captivating. At the dairy they separate the cows that are just making milk from those that are going to have their babies soon. Now, I know that in order for us to have milk in the store a cow has to have a baby and I also know that the calf has to be taken away from her in order for us to get the milk. I guess I've never really thought about this process before until when I was driving to work one day a mom cow and a baby cow were in a truck on their way somewhere. We had the windows rolled down, so at the stop light you could hear the calf kinda crying. I'm not sure if it was crying or not, but it was making some noise. My husband offered some encouragement that maybe they were going to take the mom and baby to get some shots or to make sure they were healthy. I'm not sure where they were going, but I doubt it was to make sure they were healthy.

Yesterday I was driving past the dairy (I love when the light is backed up and I get to see the cows better, I know it's crazy) and I noticed a cow had recently had a calf. The calf was still laying down on the ground and the cow was gently licking it. Then it hit me: That cow, in the next day or so is going to have that calf taken away from her and she's going to continue to produce milk because of that calf. Now, I know they are not human and don't feel like we do. But, it reminded me of everyone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, or illness. We were pregnant, the baby came out of us and even though that baby is gone we still carry around some symptoms of that baby. I know for a fact that my hormones are crazy even though my miscarriage was over 2 months ago. I sometimes wonder if the cow is sad that her baby is taken away from her. I feel like my baby was taken away from me far to early. I know I didn't get to see my baby alive and well like the cow did but she's going to lose that baby just like I did.

I'm not saying that you should quit drinking milk by any means (though I don't eat beef or pork for that matter, again I'm not at all preaching). I was just happy (and that probably sounds weird) that I was able to relate what I was feeling, to something else. For every woman a miscarriage is different; my situation was probably very different from any other woman but the outcome was the same.

I feel sorry for those cows. I wish there was a way they could keep their babies and be milked for our nourishment. I know that God is so so very good! I love that He teaches me things even when I don't realize that it's Him that is teaching me. I love that He uses something I love, like cows, to teach me that He sees me and I'm not alone. I'm still believing for 3 healthy babies, in particular, in 2010. I've been very specific with God in my request. I've asked that they be born in 2010 and that the moms would be completely healthy and that there would be no complications with moms or babies.

I've also been thinking that I'd like a puppy. I told DH that I thought it might help me to get over this whole baby thing. I know it won't help completely, but it will take my mind off of it, at least for a while. I'm thinking about it:)

Well, OPKs are out the window for this month at least. The instructions say that you are supposed to not go to the bathroom for at least 4 hours before using them and that you should pee on the stick around 2pm. First of all, I drink a lot of water during the day. It's good for you! So how am I supposed to go without peeing for 4 hours?? I also didn't realize that you are supposed to do the test at the same time of day every day, but not first morning urine. I'd been doing it whenever I could go 2 hours without peeing. AF should start 2/10 (just in time for Valentine's Day), so we shall see. I had a few other symptoms of ovulation but nothing showed up on my OPK. Maybe I just need to trust that God knows what He's doing and I need to stop meddling, but I love meddling:)

For some happier news, my in-laws are going to Hawaii in May and they've asked us to go with them. I would love to go, especially since I know it would be hard to go with a baby (since I'm believing for one this year). We're still waiting for our new homebuyer credit from the IRS. It's been 6 months!!! They are obviously in no hurry. When we get that money then we can see about a Hawaii vacation.

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder about God? Do you wonder if He REALLY hears you, if He cares about you enough to answer your prayers, if you put your trust in Him will you end up crushed? I've been struggling with these questions over the past few weeks. We just finished a 21 day fast at church and during this fast I was believing God for healthy babies for my DH and I, for my cousin and his wife, and for a co-worker and her husband. My cousin's wife lost her baby girl around 20 weeks. I know we both endured a loss, but I pray that neither of us will go through the loss of a baby, embryo, fetus (whatever you want to call it) ever again. I know we have learned things through the loss that we never wanted to learn and I believe that something good will come of it.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28.

I had my miscarriage in November and I didn't want to get pregnant at least for 6 months, but now it's like my mission in life is to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. So, I bought an ovulation predictor kit last week. I started using it this week since I should ovulate around today, but no smiley face has shown up (indicating ovulation). I was afraid of this. I'll continue using the kit through the rest of the week just to make sure that I'm not a late ovulator now. I feel like my hormones are crazy since the m/c, which is part of the reason I purchased the OPK. My dilemma is: do I go to the doctor if I find that I'm not ovulating or do I continue to trust in God? I don't know how long it takes to get your hormones back to normal after a m/c. Does anyone have an idea? My doctor told me after I have one normal cycle we can try getting pregnant again. I've had 2, so this is the first one trying. Then I start worrying about, what if I'm getting pregnant too early? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I'm just not meant to be a mom? There are so many questions!! But I am trusting in God, I know that He knows what's best for me and my husband. He sees the whole picture and we only see a small portion of it. God has blessed me exceedingly and abundantly and I know He has much more in store for us and for you.

Lord, I lay my life at your feet. Please let me be pleasing to you. I will glorify you in everything I do and I know when we have our baby we will raise him or her to love you.