Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder about God? Do you wonder if He REALLY hears you, if He cares about you enough to answer your prayers, if you put your trust in Him will you end up crushed? I've been struggling with these questions over the past few weeks. We just finished a 21 day fast at church and during this fast I was believing God for healthy babies for my DH and I, for my cousin and his wife, and for a co-worker and her husband. My cousin's wife lost her baby girl around 20 weeks. I know we both endured a loss, but I pray that neither of us will go through the loss of a baby, embryo, fetus (whatever you want to call it) ever again. I know we have learned things through the loss that we never wanted to learn and I believe that something good will come of it.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28.

I had my miscarriage in November and I didn't want to get pregnant at least for 6 months, but now it's like my mission in life is to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. So, I bought an ovulation predictor kit last week. I started using it this week since I should ovulate around today, but no smiley face has shown up (indicating ovulation). I was afraid of this. I'll continue using the kit through the rest of the week just to make sure that I'm not a late ovulator now. I feel like my hormones are crazy since the m/c, which is part of the reason I purchased the OPK. My dilemma is: do I go to the doctor if I find that I'm not ovulating or do I continue to trust in God? I don't know how long it takes to get your hormones back to normal after a m/c. Does anyone have an idea? My doctor told me after I have one normal cycle we can try getting pregnant again. I've had 2, so this is the first one trying. Then I start worrying about, what if I'm getting pregnant too early? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I'm just not meant to be a mom? There are so many questions!! But I am trusting in God, I know that He knows what's best for me and my husband. He sees the whole picture and we only see a small portion of it. God has blessed me exceedingly and abundantly and I know He has much more in store for us and for you.

Lord, I lay my life at your feet. Please let me be pleasing to you. I will glorify you in everything I do and I know when we have our baby we will raise him or her to love you.

Monday, January 25, 2010

My Story

Well, I've been thinking lately that I'd like to share my experiences with the world. My husband and I have been through some wonderful and devastating times and I know the people around me may not benefit from my story. I think I need to talk about it too. In all honesty I don’t know that my friends want to hear this, but I feel like I need to get it all out. I think there is at least one person who would might need to hear my story and would be so encouraged by it so here it is.

Last Mother's Day I caught the baby bug. Most Mother's Days I did, but this was different. This time I didn't get over it, I didn't move on, and I didn't think "oh, I'm entirely too selfish to be a mom". This time I really wanted to be a mom. When my husband and I first got married I didn't want children. I knew one day I would, but I wanted to enjoy my DH for a few years with it being just us. June 2008 was the last month of me being on the pill. I was so excited and scared to start this new journey. I felt like a completely new person not on the pill. I felt normal. I didn't cry anytime someone looked at me wrong. I could argue with my husband without crying (the first time ever)!! I had a feeling that I would get pregnant the first month off of the pill. That was not the case. I started noting when I thought I was ovulating and made sure to take advantage of that time:)

In October (I don't remember the exact date, I know that's horrible) I found out I was pregnant. I freaked out, but I kinda thought that I was. I normally had signs that AF was coming and I didn't have those signs this month. I woke DH up and told him that I was pregnant. He looked at the test and didn't think the line was dark enough, needless to say I took 3 more tests and they were all positive. We didn't tell anyone for a while. I went to the doctor later that week and they did blood work. My progesterone was low so I was prescribed supplements. Of course I got online and googled everything about low progesterone and what it meant. I found good and bad news. A week or so later I started spotting. It was not bright red so I wasn't completely panicked but I called the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound. I got to see the baby and was so excited. The doctor said everything looked good, but no "pelvic activity". I had a follow up ultrasound the next week and was told that the heart rate was at 94 (I remember that number) and was told that was pretty low. DH and I went on a mini vacation up north and the whole time we prayed that God would heal our little baby and make him whole. I went in the next week for another followup ultrasound and my mom went with me. I told her she didn't have to go, but I'm glad she did. The ultrasound tech said there was no heartbeat. At first I didn't do or say anything. This was not at all what I expected to hear. I wanted the doctor and u/s tech to be amazed at how well our baby was doing.

My mom and I had a breakdown, what else would you expect? They moved us to a regular room and the nurse practitioner came in. I know that she probably sees this every day and has dealt with numerous miscarriages, but she has never dealt with MY miscarriage. She told me that I could wait to pass the “pregnancy” on my own or have a D&C, however it could be up to 2 weeks to have the D&C done. I wanted the D&C done RIGHT NOW! Of course the surgery scheduler had already left for the day so I had to wait until Monday to schedule the procedure. I called the scheduler crying because I wanted it done so bad. That was the worst weekend of my life. There are no words to prepare someone for a miscarriage. The last thing I wanted to hear was “God has a reason for this happening” or really anything about God. I felt like He had totally let me down. How could He do this to my husband and I? I was devastated. I had started telling people at church the week before and here we were having to tell them that it was over. I told DH that I never wanted to get pregnant again if there was even a chance that this could happen again. I prayed for peace, but it didn’t come quickly. Our friends brought us lunch that Sunday and it was so good to see them and I would be ok as long as they didn’t say they were praying for me and didn’t ask me how I was doing or even talk about the m/c. Even now, there are days where it’s really hard to talk about. I’m thankful that I have such an amazing husband. He let me cry all the time and never said a word. He just held me and that was all he could do to really comfort me.

So here we are, two months after “it”. It’s definitely easier, but there are moments where I have a breakdown. Everything has changed. The conversations I had with people, the way I would playfully blame DH for us not having children yet, the times my mom and I would look around the infant departments at the stores; all that has changed. I sometimes wish that I could go back to before this happened and erase it from my past. I know that I love God and my husband more because of the loss of our baby. I don’t know if I would be as in love with DH as I am now if we hadn’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know if I would depend on and love the Lord the way I do now, if I hadn’t been through that difficult time.

This year I’m praying for a healthy baby for DH and I, my cousin and his wife, and the girl I work with and her husband. I’m praying that this Mother’s Day is different for these 3 couples. I’m praying that we are healthily pregnant with healthy babies for Mother’s Day 2010. I know my God is a big god and He is more than capable of allowing us to get pregnant, stay healthy, and give birth to healthy babies carried to term in 2010. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have much hope and most days I’m completely terrified of being pregnant again, sometimes the “what ifs” get the best of me, but I’m thankful for the support from the great family and friends we have. Our church family has been amazing!

I’m praying for each person who reads this, I pray that you find encouragement and peace. God is good.

“And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28