Friday, March 13, 2015
The 2014 flu season has kicked me in the butt! My kids have been sick for about 2 months with virus after virus. Bennett has been on antibiotics twice for ear infections (which thankfully have gone away). Hayden has had a fever for 3 days in a row. I was on antibiotics for an ear infection and the list goes on. There have been many days when I feel the overwhelming feeling of "how am I going to do this today" come over me like a big heavy blanket that I can't lift off. I've felt that looming darkness so close and the knowing that your kids are sick, young and there's nothing you can do to help them feel better. Oh sure, there's the typical humidifier, steamy shower, saline spray (and suction), but none of that brings immediate relief. If I think about it too long that big heavy dark blanket will cover me and I'll feel as if I'm suffocating and in a tunnel with no end in sight. When I should be clinging even more so to Jesus I find myself frustrated with Him. Why are my children not healthy? Why do you keep letting them get sick when I pray every day that they would be whole, well, in complete comfort? Why do you not heal them when I pray it? I'm definitely someone who really appreciates immediate gratification! During this flu season I have felt the farthest from God than I have in a long time, add to that not being able to go to church but once this month due to said sickness and you've got a recipe for disaster. I feel like everything gets so much harder when my Savior is put on the back burner, but at the same time I feel like I'm so busy going from doctor to doctor and trying to comfort sick children that I just don't have time. Nap times are hit or miss these days, more misses than hits and that leaves minimal mommy time. I feel the distance is a problem and I feel like I'm starting all over with the sinner's prayer and maybe that's where I need to start. There is such peace when I just lay it all out for my sweet Father. I tell him I'm exhausted, I'm sick of being in a house of sickos, and I just want to go back to normal. Just when I feel like my prayers are in vain I start to see a breakthrough, a feverish child wakes up with a smile and a normal temp a child that had been congested for a month wakes up able to breathe and I remember that Jesus hears my prayers. He hears me, He knows exactly how I feel, He knows that dark overwhelmingness is so close I can touch it, but He keeps it just out of reach. I know my Lord loves me and He knows how my heart hurts when my children hurt. I know my God is a good God and sometimes I need to remind myself just how good He is. As a mom it's hard to not to feel overwhelmed with all that you have to do. Being a mom is hard work! I'm so thankful that I have a loving Savior to vent all my feelings to, He listens to me and comforts me. Just the way I hurt when my children are hurting is the way He hurts when I hurt.