My Thought for the Day

Moving Forward

Have you ever heard a song that you may have heard a thousand times, but for some reason it speaks to you the 1,001st time you hear it?  That's what happened to me this Sunday.  At church we sang the song Moving Forward.  I remember singing this song at church shortly after our miscarriage and feeling like I just couldn't "move forward" and really, I didn't want to move forward.  This time, it felt like each and every word was for me.  I know so many people say, "you've just got to move on", but that is so easy to say and soooo hard to do.  This song was just for me on Sunday and maybe it's for you.  Here's a bit of the song:

I'm not going back

I'm moving ahead

I'm here to declare to you

My past is over in you old things are made new

Surrender my life to Christ 

I'm moving moving forward

You make all things new

You make all things new

I will follow you Forward

Lately there have been so many thoughts running through my head.  I so want my husband to be exceedingly and abundantly blessed in his career, there are so many things we have to buy for a baby, I'm trusting God that I'll somehow be able to be a stay at home mom, what if my boss doesn't want me to work from home, what if we don't have enough money saved up to get us through my maternity leave?  I could go on and on.  I'm so excited to have this healthy baby growing inside of me and believe me he lets me know he's there:)  There were times recently when I thought I completely and totally trusted God, but it seems like just when I get to that place He pushes me one more step.  It's like He doesn't want me to be satisfied with the way things are, but He wants to challenge me.  I for one do not want to be challenged, but I know I'll be closer in my relationship to Christ because of these "challenges".

I hope this encourages you today!

Rembering what might have been

I know this is a day late, but I thought I should pay some sort of tribute to our first little one.  Yesterday was the due date of our baby #1.  To be very honest, I hadn't even remembered it until my husband mentioned it to me.  Then that made me feel horrible for not even thinking of our first baby yesterday.  I know our baby #1 is in heaven, but I wish he was here.  I still struggle with why things like miscarriages and stillbirths happen.  I don't understand why someone who could provide for a baby and give it a loving home had that baby taken away from them.  It seems like there are so many teen pregnancies, women who shouldn't be having babies out there, and women who don't even know they're pregnant until they're in labor having healthy babies.  I did everything I knew to do during our first pregnancy.  I ate healthy, I exercised but not too hard, and I tried to stay stress free and all that didn't work.  I'm a Christian and I love God but sometimes it's hard to understand why good people, good parents lose their babies.  It's hard to explain, if there even is an explanation.

So, Baby Uno (as your dad would say) I miss you.  There are still days when I think of you, what you would have grown up to be, what it would be like to have a newborn today.  I know there is a reason why you are not here with us now, although it's hard to believe any reason would comfort me.  I sometimes feel like I should be thinking of you more often, but I know it's sort of a sign we're moving on.  Those first few weeks after you were gone were horrible.  I know I cried at least once a day for weeks.  I knew I couldn't dwell on what could have been, but we had to think about what could be.  I'm so thankful for your daddy being there for me.  You would have thought he was the greatest dad ever:)

Your brother is supposed to be born in October and I believe you're watching over him.  I can feel him moving around in my belly and I never got to that point with you so everything from here on is totally new.  I remember your dad telling me last year that all he wanted for his birthday was to be able to hold you.  His birthday is coming up and you're not here, but we have hope.  We're thinking of you Baby Uno and we miss you.

Overwhelming......

Well Friends,

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.  I'm nearly 23 weeks pregnant and it seems unreal that I would get this far and that we're going to bring a baby home in October.  I can't believe this is happening sometimes.  I've been thinking more and more about what things will be like once the baby is here.  It is my heart's desire to be a stay-at-home-mom.  However, I know that short of a miracle being a SAHM will not be possible.  I know that God is more than capable to bless Josh exceedingly and abundantly in his career and enable him to have the salary we need in order for me to stay home.  I also know that His timing is perfect.  I guess sometimes, I want to prepare myself in case this dream of mine does not come true.  How will I react, what will I do if I have to continue working full-time?  How will I feel having my mom and mother-in-law keep the baby every day?  I've been wanting to talk to my boss about working from home opportunities.  The computer program we use makes this seem like a good possibility, but the girl I work with may not be too happy about it.  I'm not sure when I should talk to them about this.  Any ideas???

I've been pricing out the crib, stroller, dresser, carseat, and all of the other baby gear you need and I'm thinking we have expensive taste:)  Everything is just so expensive.  I've been looking on Craigslist for baby items.  Hopefully I can find some nice, used things there.  My mom and I went to a re-sale shop a few weeks ago and there just wasn't much for boys there.  If you have a girl, then they have tons of clothes!  I guess I just feel like I need to start preparing but at the same time that makes things real.  We're really going to have a baby and we're really going to bring it home.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.  We have bought some clothes and diaper bag and some other little things, but they are all in the closet for now.  We did buy a rocker/recliner this weekend.  I was very excited about this.  We'll be able to keep it in the baby's room for however long we need it and then we can put it in the living room.  It's a really nice piece of furniture and we got a great deal.

This weekend we painted the kitchen and replaced the vertical blinds that were over the arcadia window.  The kitchen area looks so much nicer now.  Josh was not very happy about painting the kitchen.  He really like it as plain white, but now he says it looks "richer".  Good thing we picked a good color or I would have been in trouble:)  Josh had a great almost first Father's Day.  I got him a new video game, good thing he's able to play for now:)  We had lunch with my dad and we had dinner with Josh's dad on Monday, so we had a great Father's day weekend!

Here We Are.....

Well, here we are at 21 weeks 4 days.  It's hard to believe that we're on the down side of the hill now.  I still amazed with the idea that in a few short months we'll have a baby at home with us.  Lately I've been reading quite a few blogs other women have written regarding the loss of their babies, whether through miscarriage or stillbirth.  I'm not sure why I'm drawn to these blogs.  It breaks my heart to read these stories, but I kinda feel like I'm recovering by reading them.  Sometimes I feel like I never really "recovered" from my loss.  I don't know how you do that really.  I know so many women said that getting pregnant again was the thing that helped them to recover, but that is not the case for me.  Even in this pregnancy, I'm fearful of any bad news.  Maybe this is God's way of teaching me that this baby that is growing inside of me is His and He has His hand on our little one.  From the very beginning of this pregnancy I told God that I knew this baby was His and He would protect my peanut.  God has never let me down, and I mean never!  So, why is it so hard to trust Him?  I keep thinking, He took that first baby away from me, what keeps Him from taking this one?  I know these are probably horrible thoughts to have and I'm just being honest, but being pregnant after a loss is difficult just in a different way.  It makes me so sad sometimes.  

Here we are 7 months after a loss and a few weeks before our first due date and I feel good.  Yes, I have moments where I want to completely break down and sometimes I do.  Sometimes I wish I could explain to my husband all that I'm feeling and the thousands of thoughts that are running through my head.  I'm not sure if any mother ever "gets over" the loss of a baby.  I know I was only 9 weeks along when we lost our baby, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  Feeling this little one move around now is just about the greatest thing ever!  I love knowing he's alive and well.  Although he'll never take the place of our lost baby, I have to be positive for the baby that is here with us and sometimes that is hard.

This Sunday our Pastor's sermon was "Think Four:Eight".  This series is just what I needed!  It's based on Philippians 4:8-

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

 So, think positive, think about things that are good.  I so needed to hear the verse about taking every thought captive.  I need to remember that the way I think is so important.  If I'm being negative and a debbie downer, then my day will also be that way. So, this week I'm fixing my thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.  I'm trusting God for great things in my life.  So, here we are.....in a better state of mind, choosing to be positive, and loving the God who takes such good care of my family and I:)  

Have a great week friends!

Update After the Specialist

Well after a bit of a stressful wait at the perinatologist's office, I can say that we have some comfort.  Our baby boy does have slightly dilated kidneys, although the doctor did mention that she isn't worried about them.  They are still functioning and are not blocked.  She said that most of the time this clears up on its own before delivery.  There was no abnormal amount of fluid in his lateral ventricles, but he did have some chroid plexus cysts.  She said that these will also most likely clear up before delivery or even my next ultrasound.  The doctor did give us some comfort in that our baby looks completely healthy right now.  All of his other measurements are perfectly normal and he was moving around all over.  Both of these issues are considered markers for down syndrome, so she did offer us an amnio.  I have known all along that I didn't want an amnio.  First of all, it's incredibly scary for me and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my baby because of a test.  Josh and I are confident that our baby is completely fine.  I've been praying that he would be in perfect health since I found out I was pregnant.  I honestly don't feel like there is anything wrong with him, though my emotions get the best of me sometimes.  There are moments when I feel like it would be ok if he had DS and then I feel like I'm letting God down.  Like I'm not trusting Him like I should.  The doctor mentioned getting an amnio as soon as possible if we were considering termination, but that isn't an option for us.  

I knew from the beginning of this pregnancy that this baby was going to be completely healthy, in every way, no genetic issues.  I have to continue having that faith.  I remember our pastor telling us that verse in 1 John I think, that perfect love casts out all fear.  So, each day I'm praying for a new dose of peace to get through the day and have confidence that my God is in control.  He loves me and He loves our baby boy.  Before our baby was formed He knew him, how awesome is that.  I'm believing that He has great things in store for our sweet baby boy.

In other news, I would love to hear from you all regarding this crazy hunger I have all day long.  How do you cope with it?  I know it's ok to gain weight now and all, but if I ate every time I was hungry I'd be eating all day.  Some days I never feel full:)  I try to eat healthily but it's a struggle, because who craves carrots???

A bit of a bump in the road.....

Well friends, it's good to be home.  Josh and I went on a vacation to San Diego last week and it was wonderful!  We did so much walking, I mean so so much walking:)  I really enjoyed our time together.  On a normal day we see each other for a few hours in the evening, but that's about it.  It was nice to spend an entire week together with no distractions, other than the Suns/Lakers games:)

Yesterday I was 19 weeks 5 days and we went in for our anatomy scan at the doctor's office.  Josh hadn't seen the baby since he was a mere 8 weeks old, so I knew it would be special to see him nearly 11 weeks later.  It's amazing to me how babies (and moms) grow.  We got to see a good face shot of out little man.  We know he is definitely a boy, we could see him opening and shutting his hands, it was just great.  Then we had to wait to see the doctor regarding the results of the ultrasound.  Of course the u/s tech tells you pretty much nothing other than what you're looking at, like there his hand, there's his kidneys, etc.  The doctor came in and she said there was some reason for concern based on the u/s results.  Apparently our little man has slightly dilated kidneys, which she said can be normal in boys.  He also has more fluid than they like to see in some part of his brain, this is also more common in boys.  To be very honest I don't remember exactly what she said.  I didn't even think to ask how dilated are the kidneys and how much fluid more than normal is there?  I should have gotten everything in writing so I could look over it later.  They are referring us to a perinatologist for further evaluation and a level 2 u/s.  Of course we got home and googled the info we had just received.  I think Josh remembered better than I did.  Other than those 2 things everything else looked fine.  She did say that the baby was not in a real good position to look at everything.  So, Friday we go for our perinatologist appointment.  This whole thing is a bit scary.  I guess I was just floored when the doctor told us we should be concerned.  You go into this whole thing and think they are going to tell you what a healthy baby you have and anything that is not normal is just not a good thing.  The doctor did say that both of these issues could resolve themselves over the next few weeks, so we shall see.  

I keep thinking, well the u/s tech had a hard time getting a good look at his brain because his head was right behind my bellybutton.  She just kept mentioning that she was having a hard time.  Hopefully the perinatologist will be able to get a better look at things.  I'm praying that they don't recommend an amnio.  I just really don't want one of those.  So, my perfectly normal pregnancy is not so perfectly normal anymore, but I'm hanging in there and praying for the best.

Please be in prayer for our little one this week if you think about it.  I'm believing that this is all nothing and everything will clear itself up.  We serve a God who is a healer and I know He can heal our lil' one.