Rembering what might have been

I know this is a day late, but I thought I should pay some sort of tribute to our first little one.  Yesterday was the due date of our baby #1.  To be very honest, I hadn't even remembered it until my husband mentioned it to me.  Then that made me feel horrible for not even thinking of our first baby yesterday.  I know our baby #1 is in heaven, but I wish he was here.  I still struggle with why things like miscarriages and stillbirths happen.  I don't understand why someone who could provide for a baby and give it a loving home had that baby taken away from them.  It seems like there are so many teen pregnancies, women who shouldn't be having babies out there, and women who don't even know they're pregnant until they're in labor having healthy babies.  I did everything I knew to do during our first pregnancy.  I ate healthy, I exercised but not too hard, and I tried to stay stress free and all that didn't work.  I'm a Christian and I love God but sometimes it's hard to understand why good people, good parents lose their babies.  It's hard to explain, if there even is an explanation.

So, Baby Uno (as your dad would say) I miss you.  There are still days when I think of you, what you would have grown up to be, what it would be like to have a newborn today.  I know there is a reason why you are not here with us now, although it's hard to believe any reason would comfort me.  I sometimes feel like I should be thinking of you more often, but I know it's sort of a sign we're moving on.  Those first few weeks after you were gone were horrible.  I know I cried at least once a day for weeks.  I knew I couldn't dwell on what could have been, but we had to think about what could be.  I'm so thankful for your daddy being there for me.  You would have thought he was the greatest dad ever:)

Your brother is supposed to be born in October and I believe you're watching over him.  I can feel him moving around in my belly and I never got to that point with you so everything from here on is totally new.  I remember your dad telling me last year that all he wanted for his birthday was to be able to hold you.  His birthday is coming up and you're not here, but we have hope.  We're thinking of you Baby Uno and we miss you.