On Sunday our pastor preached on Hopeless Situations. I kind of went in to the whole thing thinking this was not for me. You know how someone can talk for 5 seconds and you just know it won't apply to you and you sort of check out? Well, that was me. I would dig through my purse, I kept checking Jackson's number to see if I was being paged to the nursery, I was looking around and pretty much not paying attention. This sermon just wasn't for me so I probably should just check out now. I even thought of just going to the nursery to see how Jackson was doing, even though I knew he was fine. Then I happened to hear something that caught my ear. Pastor Brad asked, "Do you really believe what you say you believe?" I mean, we all say we believe in the Bible, but do you believe the WHOLE thing? Then he went on to read Matthew 19:23-26. Verse 26 is the kicker-"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." I should note that I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard this verse in my life. Being raised in church, this verse is one of those key verses you hear quite often. Then Pastor Brad said this,"well, if you believe that verse then there are no hopeless situations." Then it felt like all these things came rushing back to me. I had earlier that week called Josh crying because I was very concerned about finances. I know in my head that God will provide, and I know that He has opened the door for me to be a stay-at-home-mom, but right at that moment it was like God was telling me, "see, you thought that was a hopeless situation."
I'm an accountant and I know money. I handle our bills, but last week I dreaded paying bills and balancing the check book. I knew the lack of income had finally hit us. My husband works in a commission paid job, so there can be good months and bad months. Over the summer, there were some bad months but all in all we were ok. Then is seemed like all of our bills are due at the same time, so that makes things harder. When I see our financial situation, I start thinking that maybe I didn't make the right decision, maybe I heard incorrectly, maybe I didn't understand the signs the right way. It was easy for me to step out in faith when I knew we had a savings account that could sustain us if things didn't work out. Now that savings account has taken a hit and I start questioning things. It was easy for me to step out in faith knowing that I had an out. It's like stepping out on the water with Jesus, but keeping your life jacket on-just in case. Maybe God is just taking away that out and seeing how easy that step of faith is now. I know God has never left me and never will. Just when I think I've got the whole faith thing worked out, God decides to challenge me a bit further. That stretching is incredibly uncomfortable, but needed. I keep thinking of our Portland friends. I remember telling Josh, how cool would that be to just pack up everything, not have a job in place, and just move? I want to be to trust God like that! Now, I feel like that is what I'm doing.
I really want to start doing bookkeeping from home, but I have no idea how to get started. I keep praying that God will place the right people in my path and give me wisdom as to how to proceed with this idea.
In family news, my mom is not doing so great with her health. She was recently diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. She's in pain quite often and she's not used to relaxing. The only medication that she can take puts her to sleep, so she really can't take that during the day. I had been praying that she would make some friends that would be able to encourage her and maybe relate to her situation. She has one friend now, and I feel like this friend is not uplifting but draining to her. The very day I had prayed that for her she happened to talk to the person in line behind her at Michael's and this girl in her twenties also has Sjogren's. How incredible is that? Not that I wanted someone else to have Sjogren's, but for my mom to meet someone who can relate to what she's going through. My mom said, "it's not like I have an open wound that people can see is painful, the pain is inside and no one understands." I pray that this turns into a beautiful friendship for my mom. It's hard to see her in pain and not able to do as much as she used to. I know it's hard for her to. She used to be up and going all day. I'm even more thankful that I'm able to stay home now, because I don't think she could watch Jackson every day.
Even though we go through these struggles, I'm incredibly grateful for the family and friends we have who are so supportive and encouraging. I know these struggles won't last forever and when they are over God will receive the glory.
