Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Well, friends I've struggled with this for some time. I wasn't sure when to share this news.

We're pregnant!

I feel so excited, scared, nervous, anxious, and happy all in one. Part of me didn't want to share this with all of you because last time I was so eager to share and this time I wanted to really soak it all in and be cautious in my announcement. It's kinda at a point where I have so much I want to share with you that I'm tired of keeping the secret. Also, I was at church last week and the pastor's wife was talking about how sometimes we have a hard time asking people to pray for us because we feel like we're a burden or something like that. That made me think, even if this baby isn't meant to be for us I still need and appreciate the prayers of friends and family. So, here I am, asking for your prayers for a healthy baby and healthy mom.

Of course I have to share the entire story, just so you know it's long:)

Before this all started I had been concerned about my hormones. I never felt normal after the m/c. I know this is terrible, but I had convinced myself that I had PCOS. So, I bought an OPK only to determine if I was ovulating. A side effect could have been me getting pregnant, but I at least wanted to know that I was ovulating. My surge never showed up. Maybe I didn't do the test correctly or I did it at the wrong time, but there was no surge. I just assumed that after this cycle I'd make an appointment with the doctor to see what medication I needed to be on to ovulate. Somewhere in there I must have ovulated. About 10 days before AF was due I started having waves of nausea. I remember DH and I getting ready for a walk and I bent over to tie my shoes and I really felt it. I cried. I didn't know if I could do it, could WE do it, were we ready for this, was my body ready for this. There were so many questions. But DH told me we'd be ok and we'd make it through this. I waited and waited to take the test, but in my heart I knew it would be positive. 2 days before AF was due I decided to take one and low and behold it was a BFP!! I left the test in the bathroom and put a sticky note that said "Guess What!!!". I also put DH's glasses in there in case he needed them:)

I made an appointment with the doctor for the next day. I wanted to have my progesterone checked asap since it was low last time. Beta and progesterone levels were good, but she said I should probably go ahead and take the prog. supplement and I had some left from before so it wasn't a big deal. We had our first u/s at 7w4d. To our surprise the baby was measuring 5 days bigger, so technically the baby was 8w2d. I was so so nervous. I couldn't wait to hear what the heart rate was- it was 158!!! I was ecstatic!! Of course I started crying right then. DH was with me, so it was super special for us to see such a healthy baby together. It was really hard not to think about the last time we were here; the last time we were getting an u/s, the last time we saw a baby on the screen. Last time, it wasn't good. Oh, but this time!! I am so thankful how God makes all things new!!

There are moments when feel robbed of my first pregnancy joy, but I have a new joy, a joy that is even better. I have a joy that even though things were horrible, it does get better. God is so good!! I still worry about this baby, but it's not like it was before. I had dinner with a friend a few nights ago and we talked about the first pregnancy. During my first pregnancy I was fearful of a miscarriage from the beginning. I remember telling her how scared I was and how I was so worried about having a miscarriage. Who does that? What kind of crazy person is already talking about a miscarriage when they should be joyful? Maybe that was the Holy Spirit preparing me, I don't know. This time I feel completely different. I have complete peace (and I'm more sick). I can't even describe it, it's like I'm not even worried about the baby. Please don't get me wrong, I pray like crazy over this baby, but I don't dwell on the negative and I'm not fearful.

I'm still not out of the first trimester yet. I have my next appointment in a few weeks and I'm already praying that the doctor will be able to find the heart beat quickly and that it will still be a healthy lil' pumpkin in there. The waiting between appointments is so hard. I'm thinking of renting a doppler, but then they say that you may worry even more if you can't find the heart beat. Any thoughts on that?

Well friends, I'm excited to have you on this journey with me.