Awkward Moment

Have you ever had one of those awkward, "I'm having a baby and your not" awkward moments. I'm sure we all have at some point, but it seems like when you want to be pregnant or you have recently had a miscarriage, just about everyone around you is pregnant or recently had a baby. While I'm thankful that I've not felt bitter towards any of my "blessed with child" friends, there is a bit of awkwardness sometimes. Maybe I'm the only one in the room that feels it, but it's there.

Here's what brings me to this post. I was scheduled to be on the praise and worship team at church last week. I need to mention that every other woman on the team has had at least one child, except for me and one other person who is not married. I totally understand that when you have children your conversations are about the children; what they do, where they are developmentally, what they like and don't like, etc. This will most definitely be the case when we have a baby also, but I wish sometimes that we didn't have to talk about the babies. Please don't get me wrong, I love babies and want to have one of my own very much but I like to talk about other things too. Anyway, back to my original story. I've kinda felt left out of the group because I feel like I don't fit in as well since I don't have a child. All of the girls kinda gathered together and were, of course, talking about children. One of the girls does not know about my previous m/c and I would have told her about it if I hadn't felt like I would burst into tears at that moment. By the way, I'm normally ok to talk about it if it is one on one. I'm not ready for the group thing yet. This person has asked me a few times when Josh and I are going to have a baby and I've told her every time that we were working on it. What else can you say? But standing with this wonderful group of women, I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like one of these things isn't the same, one of these things doesn't belong. Have you ever been there? They weren't being mean or anything, I just didn't fit in. They were talking about babies, who was having them, who wanted more and then I feel like all eyes are on me.

I know that the enemy takes every opportunity to remind me of my loss, to bring me right back to the place I was 3 months ago instead of letting me be the overcomer I know I need to be. I know he wants me to live in that anger, to remember it. So, I went up for prayer on Sunday with Josh and the pastor who had prayed for us gave me a note after we were done.

1 John 4:18 ...."Perfect Love drives out all fear"

Yes, I'm absolutely scared of having another m/c but I'm giving that fear to God. I'm ready to think about wonderful and good things. I'm ready to move on, not that I'll forget all that I've been through. I'm just ready to stop dwelling on the bad things that have happened.

I'm praying for you blog followers!