Pregnancy for the third time......

Okay, I have to admit this pregnancy has been a bit difficult. Not that there have been issues so to speak, but it's just been hard on my body.  With two little ones at home there is not much down time.  I feel like someone always needs something, especially right when I sit down. I do keep reminding myself to cherish this last pregnancy. I have to remember to file (in my memory vault) the feeling of the baby moving in my belly because after this baby I'll never have that feeling again. I know I've got some time to cherish this new little life growing inside me, but sometimes I get busy with the other two kids that I forget to cherish him. I remember thinking when I had our daughter that I'd get to do this again, so I didn't think about remembering pregnancy that much. At the same time, I want to give as much time as I can to the two kids I have here because my time will be consumed with a new little one in a few months. It's hard to believe that March will be here tomorrow and then in June there will be a new little Harris!

Baby Harris #3 is.......

Last week we found out what our newest addition will be. Since I knew this would be my last baby, I wanted to do something special to find out what the baby is. I didn't want the ultrasound person to just blurt out what it was. We planned to do a gender reveal party with our family. I wanted to do cupcakes from Joe's Coffee Shop since their cupcakes are amazing! They had told me originally that they wouldn't be able to fill the cupcakes, but that they could frost them all pink for a girl or blue for a boy. We had our ultrasound on Thursday and we have a healthy baby, which was most important to us. The ultrasound tech wrote the gender on a paper and put it in an envelope for us to give to the Coffee Shop. I was a little nervous that we wouldn't know what our baby was if they lost the paper especially because they wrote down all my directions on a tiny post it with a sharpie, but I handed it over anyway! I asked my mom to pick up the cupcakes on Saturday (the day of our party) just in case they weren't covered. If any one had to know what it was then it could be my mom and Josh and I could still be surprised. I told the cashier that I wanted the paper back that the doctor had given us. She assured me that all would be as promised. Well, my mom went to pick up the cupcakes and they had the post it on top of the cupcakes, but all the cupcakes were yellow!!

I was freaking out when she called me and told me. She said that maybe the answer was in the cake, but of course no one at the Coffee Shop knew that since the bakers were not there at the time. I could not believe this was happening! They had circled the correct gender on the post it, but I wanted there to be more excitement and I felt like looking at a post it would be such a let down. After I calmed myself down, I decided that either way we were finding out what this baby was today whether it was from a cupcake or a post it.
We had asked the kids several times what they thought the new baby was. Jackson was confident that it was another girl and I started thinking maybe he had a sense for what this baby really was. We also kept a lot of Hayden's super cute clothes and the season was the same as this baby, so it would work if it was a girl. Hayden said it was a boy, but I figured she's still a little young to know what's going on.
I was beginning to feel like my mom was just trying to torture me with making this dinner last so long and not just giving us the cupcakes. The time finally came to have the cupcakes. They looked delicious and we were so so excited!! I just broke it open because I figured that's where the answer had to be and sure enough...

We are so excited to be having another boy! I'm so happy that even though Hayden will be a middle child, she'll still be the only girl and daddy's only princess! 

On another happy note, my sister-in-law just found out she's pregnant and they had been trying for a few years! I'm so happy for her and all of these blessings just assure me that God is good. There's no other way to put it, He is so good to us. He knows just what we need. He probably knew that Josh couldn't handle another girl because he's got such a soft spot for Hayden. God even knows this little boy I'm carrying, He knew him before he was even formed within me and that gives me such peace.

Fertility Guilt......

I know these days it seems like women every where are struggling with infertility, so it seems like you never hear about women who have no problem getting pregnant. Although, I guess if you're trying to get pregnant it probably seems like everyone around you is having a baby. I have a little bit of fertility guilt. Here's a little background: I have two children, but before my first was born I had a miscarriage.  I cannot put into words how devastating that was. I remember crying uncontrollably and the feeling of devastation was like a huge weight on my shoulders. Even though I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to avoid it, I still put the blame on myself. I remember not wanting to answer the phone because I didn't want people to ask how I was doing. I really just wanted to get through it on my own in my little cave and then eventually I would come out and I wanted everyone to act as if nothing had happened. Looking back I am thankful for all the people who prayed for and encouraged me during that incredibly difficult time. At the time it was hard to face those people because just when I thought I was going to be able to go to the store without crying, someone would call and ask, "how are you", then I would lose it.
A few months after enduring a miscarriage I became pregnant with my son and had a pretty great pregnancy, even if it ended with a c-section. We knew we wanted another child fairly soon and when my son was 10 months old I was pregnant again with my daughter. We weren't really trying and I remember feeling a little anxious about having babies 18 months apart, but all went well and another pretty eventless pregnancy ended with a beautiful baby girl and my dream of a VBAC!
After having my daughter, I knew I didn't want to do the 18 month apart thing again, but I knew I wanted to at least try for a third baby. If we didn't get pregnant I would be okay, but I always wished my parents had had one more child so I knew I wanted to try for three. We weren't really trying at the time but we weren't trying not to have a baby. I had shared with my husband that I didn't want to be on birth control and I had my IUD removed because I thought it made me feel crazy, so that left condoms as our choice of birth control. My hubby hadn't been fully on bored with the three kids thing so he was very faithful with the "birth control". I'm not sure what happened or what changed his mind, but one day he was okay with a third baby. I told him it could take months to get pregnant and I knew that I was only getting older and we might not get pregnant at all.
I'm happy to announce that I am indeed pregnant with our #3! I have days where I have no idea how it will work since I only have two hands, but then I try to remember to savor every moment of this pregnancy because I know it will be my last. I thank God for the morning sickness that helps me to know my baby is doing what it should be. This is the sickest I've felt out of all my pregnancies, but I'm trying to remember every little thing about this pregnancy. There is a downside, I feel, to all of this. My sister-in-law is struggling with infertility. I think it's been almost two years that they have been trying to have a baby. We told my mother-in-law that I was pregnant and she was happy, but I could tell that she wasn't THAT happy. She didn't ask my anything about how I had been feeling, how many weeks I was, she pretty much just said congratulations and that was it. My husband didn't seem to think it was a big deal and thought I shouldn't look to much into things, but it was then that I was determined to be happy for this baby and grateful for my fertility. I can't pretend to not be pregnant and I'm not going to avoid talking about it. I definitely won't rub it in anyone's face, but I think this baby deserves to have some happy thoughts even if they are only from my husband and I.
I feel for all the women struggling and I know what it's like to go through the loss of a miscarriage. I remember feeling like everyone was getting pregnant or having a baby soon after I had the miscarriage and I know it's difficult to deal with, but I was always happy for my friends. Yes, it was hard and sometimes I would cry when I was alone, but I was happy for my friends and their new additions. I'm looking forward to all that God has in store for us and our new addition to our family!

Big Boy Bed

Well, it was finally time to start the transition from crib to big boy bed for my nearly 3 year old. He could climb out of the crib, as he had done it many times, but he was well behaved enough to know not to do it. I wanted to make the transition before my husband goes back to working regular hours and has to get up at 5am. Selfish, I know, but you do what you've got to do. Jackson initially did great, almost too great. The first two nights he didn't get up once. He still wasn't sure about the whole thing and he'd still ask us to get him out of the bed, so I'm not sure he thought he was allowed to get himself out. Now, he climbs out multiple times a night and even early in the morning. My solution to the issue:

The "OK to Wake" Alarm Clock. This clock is an alarm clock and night light. We don't use the night light, so I can't say how that works, but we like the other features.  This clock lights up green when it's ok for the child to wake up and get out of bed. We set the time for wake up to be 7am. This worked great for the first few days, but Jackson still got up multiple times after we put him down for bed. He would typically wake up close to 7am, so he didn't have to sit long before the light came on. This morning was a major battle. He got out of bed close to 15 times after going down for the night, then he woke at 6:30am and got out of bed and came to our room (as a side note, I was up but I use this time to get ready for work so it's my preference for him to be in bed until 7am). I took him back to bed and reminded him to wait for the light to come on. He got up 4 more times before the light came on. I was totally exhausted from some allergy medication I took last night and just did not want to deal with him getting up and taking him back to bed. I know this is all part of the "parenting gig" I signed up for when I had children, but this part is so hard. When Jackson gets up we try to the the Super Nanny thing and not talk to him but then he gets upset I'm not to him and I'm afraid he'll be screaming so loud he'll wake Hayden up. I keep trying to "cherish" this time with him and think that these moments of struggle with my toddler are fleeting and it won't be long before he's in high school. I love him so much, but he knows my buttons and pushes them on a regular basis. Hopefully week three will be better than week two and we will just keep going. 

A friend of mine asked me the other day how I handle two children so close in age and I told her there's no way to prepare for it. You just do it. You'll drive yourself crazy if you think about it too much. There are great days and difficult ones, but you get through and as long as everyone is somewhat happy and alive at the end of the day you've done a great job. 

Put on Your Big Girl Panties....

The past few months have been full of change, some great, some not so great.  Josh quit working at Lexus in May and went into real estate.  I was confident that God had ordained these steps we were taking.  When I would ask for yet another confirmation, He was there to assure me that everything would be okay and give me another dose of peace.  By the way, I've needed a "peace drip" over these past few months. Josh and I felt like his career in real estate was going to thrive and become this incredible business opportunity. Initially things went great and he was very busy. There were quite a few people who were interested in selling/purchasing property and Josh was ready to help. Some friends from church purchased their first house and we were so excited to be a part of it. Josh's parent's sold their home and purchased a new one. We really felt like things were going great, we even talked about Josh having a real estate business and his dad and brother could work with him. In July, money concerns became a topic of conversation. I was working part-time, so it was nice to have that supplementing Josh's commission, but we knew that money would soon become a much bigger issue. It seemed like as quickly as his business began to take off, it began to come to a close. I knew Josh was feeling discouraged, God has placed it on the hearts of men to provide for their family and Josh was beginning to feel the stress of that responsibility weighing heavily on his shoulders. Our first reaction was to question God. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I had no one else to go to. Josh was just as discouraged, if not more so, than me and I didn't want to make him feel more upset. God and I had some heated conversations, some desperate conversations and there was the occasional "I trust you" conversation. I didn't know what God was doing, I didn't know how it was going to work out, but I finally (after some wrestling within myself) decided to trust Him. I began to feel the confidence I felt initially that He had ordered our steps and we were where we were because it's where God wanted us to be. Josh began looking for jobs and actually got 3 job offers. He will be going back to work at Scottsdale Lexus next week and we are so thankful for this job. Sometimes Josh still questions leaving Lexus of Chandler. I truly feel that God wanted Josh out of there for a reason. I don't know why, but as these past few months have passed, I know he needed to be away from there. Even as we know Josh will be going back to Scottsdale Lexus and we are still waiting for an official start date, I know God has it all under control. Even though these past months have been difficult and there have been many tears, I know that I love Josh so much more as we've been through this. I'm so grateful that our children have really developed an incredible relationship with Josh because he's been home to play with them more than he had been. I remember when Josh came home and told me he was giving his two week notice at Lexus and after the shock wore off,  I thought that blessing after blessing would be poured out on us, financial blessings to be more specific. I know God is in control and it's difficult to think about Josh going back to a regular day job and not seeing him as much, I'm putting on my big girl panties and I'm confident that I am a child of the King and He knows what we need. He hears my cries and sees every tear. My friends, this amazing God I serve knows what He's doing and He sees each of us right where we are. I'm excited to see the new things He will do in our lives as Josh goes back to Lexus. 

Look How Far We've Come.....

I don't know if you're familiar with Thomas the train, but at our house we have an obsession.  Jackson thinks the trains are the greatest thing ever!  We also watch Thomas videos quite often and have a few of our favorites memorized.  I was chatting with my mom and grandma the other day about all the expectations I had for my family when I was pregnant. Before I had our first child I used to tell people, my mom specifically (I suppose I wanted her to know that I would be doing things differently than she did), that I would not allow my child to watch TV until he was 2 years old and even then it would be only 30 minutes per day.  I would say that we would not allow our child to play video games and that he would not be allowed to have sugar except for special occasions.  I think about all these expectations I had for myself and our family while I was pregnant and, although my intentions were good, they have all fallen by the way side.  Jackson watches more than 30 minutes of TV per day and he plays games on the iPad (I try to pick educational ones) and he eats more sugar than just when he gets cake on birthdays.  Now, I'm not saying that all new moms or soon to be moms are crazy for making those expectations for themselves, I'm just saying it didn't work for me.  Breastfeeding didn't work for my mom, but it worked for me with both children for a year each.  Every family is different and every child is different.

I did initially start off following along with my "protocol".  Jackson was incredibly fascinated by the TV, so when it was on he was looking at it.  We tried not to watch too much TV when he was a baby and awake(especially Real Housewives shows on Bravo). I remember having my husband ask his mom to not sit Jackson in front of the TV in the bouncer.  I'm still not a fan of this practice, but my mother-in-law did this with some of the babies she watched.  Now, Jackson watching TV doesn't seem like such a big deal.  We are still careful about what he watches because he has bad dreams and gets frightened easily.

I started thinking about all of this when my friend had her baby boy.  She had been married for over 8 years when they had their baby and it was difficult to go from, "we can do whatever we want" to "we can do what the baby lets us do". The best piece of advice I could give her is that she had to figure out what would work for her, her husband and the new baby.  I knew that must have sounded awful since she was looking for concrete answers to her problems. Everyone will give you bits of advice and tell you what they think you should do, but ultimately you have to figure out what works for you.  There are so many decisions you have to make as a new mom and there's no book that tells you the specific answers you're looking for.  There are books out there that will tell you whatever you want to hear.  I think the best thing is to remember that God has blessed you with this baby and He will bless you with the wisdom you need to raise the child.  As parents or parents to be, we will all make mistakes.

So here's my advice for new moms- I can tell you what worked for me, but you have to be the one to figure out what works for you.  I know it might sound crazy, but your motherly instinct will kick in and don't feel like a complete failure if you don't have all the dreamy, crazy in love feelings for you baby right away, I didn't.  Your hormones are going crazy, you won't sleep much and there is a tiny new person in your life you just have to get to know.  Trust in the God who knew your baby before he was even formed in you.  Trust that there is a great plan for your child and pray for wisdom to raise him/her so that they will be able to walk in all that God has for them.  It will be hard and there will be days when you want to throw in the towel, but there are so many more good days to come.

Humility.....

I've been thinking for some time that I need to write this poignant blog and remind myself where I am for when I get where I want to be.  Time just gets away from me, but today both children are napping at the same time and my work for the part-time job is done and my husband is not home hogging the computer.
April 1, 2013 has been another life altering day for me.  Not as much as getting saved, married, or the day my children were born, but life altering none the less.  My sweet husband gave his job of 12 years a month notice that he was leaving.  As long as I've known Josh he has worked at Lexus of Chandler or Penske Automotive Group.  He has been a faithful employee and has worked in just about every department they have, except for maybe accounting.  He currently works as a service advisor and he makes enough money that I have been able to be a stay-at-home-mom for 2 years now.  I am grateful that I had that opportunity.  I'm currently working part-time and still grateful that the majority of my days are with my children.  Josh has decided to go into real estate full-time.  This is a decision that has not come without much prayer.  This is a decision that is completely out of the norm for Josh.  Yet, here we are with 2 weeks to go.  I support Josh in this decision, but that doesn't mean that I don't have my worries and concerns.
I know we haven't been married that long, but I am much more trusting of Josh at year 7 than I was at year 1.  I have finally let him be the spiritual leader of our home (that took some time and prayer to overcome) and I love him and know he would never do something to financially hurt us.  It's hard to explain, but I have such peace about this.  Yes, I have many questions about the details but I also feel like God has told me not to worry about how the plan will work, just trust that the plan will work.  As you know, I am a self proclaimed control freak so not worrying about the details is difficult.  We won't have the somewhat decent medical insurance that we currently have with Josh's employer, we won't have the money to go towards paying our Lexus lease (which we have to keep at this point), we have no salary guarantee.  I'm sure that everything about this situation must say, "RUN", "Don't do it".  I just keep thinking of the testimony that we'll have in a year.  It might be that we have no idea how it happened, but we made it through a year.  It might be that Josh gets double his salary by doing real estate.  I don't know the outcome, but I do know God is a good god and He will not forsake me.
There are days when I feel like I don't have a worry in the world and I don't know how, but I know God will take care of this.  Then there are days when I think that I don't know how we're going to make it, how is this going to work, it just doesn't make sense, are people going to think we're crazy for doing this, are we sure that we're really hearing the correct message from God.  It would be so much easier for me if God would speak to me in a clear audible voice and tell me that everything is going to be okay, but that hasn't happened.  I definitely have these moments of complete peace and I know that's how God must speak to me, maybe I'm working up to the clear audible voice.  I have to tell you, I don't know how it will work, I don't know if we'll have insurance, I don't know if we'll lose our house, I don't know if Josh will be this incredible success right off the bat.  There are countless unknowns, but one thing trumps all that- a good God.
I was talking with a friend last night and I told her that I've heard many stories of other Christians who have taken a risk, moved, changed careers, gone into the mission field and they have never said that they thought God totally forsake them.  I have never heard anyone say that God left them/never showed up/forsake them when they moved across the country not knowing where the would live/work.  I remember being jealous of our friends when they moved to Portland.  I thought it would be awesome to be totally dependent on God, not knowing where you would live or work.  Now, we are there.  We are the ones trusting God with everything, not knowing how we'll pay the bills if Josh doesn't have any money coming in from commissions.  If he's not helping someone buy/sell a house he doesn't make any money.  God has truly brought me to a new place of humility and trust.  I can't wait to write about the incredible thing that God will do in our lives, now there may be struggles along the way, but I know there will be an incredible story of God's faithfulness to come.
Please keep my family and I in your prayers if you think about us.