Friday, July 1, 2011

So Much to Say.......

Do you ever have one of those days when you just feel down?  I wouldn't go so far as to say depressed, but just down.  Let me start by staying I absolutely love staying home with my little man!  Some days, like today, I just feel like is this all there is?  I don't know, I think the newness and excitement of being a stay-at-home-mom has worn off and reality is setting in.  Also, this was the first week I did not have to go in to work to help out the person replacing me.  Even though I was so excited to quit working and stay home, I kind of liked still going in once a week and feeling needed.  I told my husband, as I was crying, "they don't need me any more"!  He told me him and Jackson need me:)  
Josh has been working a lot of hours lately and I know he works so much so I can stay home.  I love that he is such a hard worker and not lazy, but I miss him.  I miss having adult conversations and the adult conversations we do have seem to be me complaining about something.  He gets home around 7pm then it's bath and bed for Jackson.  We go to bed soon after and I feel sometimes like we're just roommates, not husband and wife.  I know we both are exhausted by 9pm but I want to talk with him and enjoy his company, even if it is for only a few minutes.  
I went to a mom's group this morning and I was talking to the other moms about my prayer needs and one mom mentioned that the first thing to go out the window when you're feeling down or overwhelmed is your quiet time with God.  Now, I had minimal quiet time when I was working and by minimal I mean maybe 15 minutes when I was pumping.  I had such great intentions when I quit working to have more quiet time and I've had less than when I was working.  I feel like there is so much to do around the house when Jackson is sleeping and I'm always thinking, "I'll start reading my Bible faithfully tomorrow".  The problem is, tomorrow never comes or Jackson doesn't nap well or there is something else we need to do.  There is always something to keep me away from that quality time with God.  So starting Monday (when Jackson naps), I'm committing to reading my Bible and prayer before I do anything; cleaning, workout, watch my recorded shows.  I know this lack of quality time with God has allowed the enemy to creep in and put thoughts in my head and I'm going to start taking every thought captive.  I refuse to feel defeated, down, depressed, deflated, or frustrated with myself.
Another mom mentioned to me something someone had said to her when she was a new mom.  "You are the only one who can be mom to Jackson.  That is a great thing, but it is also very lonely because you are the only one who can do it".  At the time, it didn't really sink in but even as I type it out it makes more sense to me.  This job is a 24/7, never ending job.  There is no lunch hour or quitting time.  Please know that I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity to have quality time with my son and to be a blessing to my husband by staying home.  I wouldn't trade this job for any other job.  This is the most rewarding job and the most difficult job I've ever had.
In baby news.......
Jackson is getting his top teeth and they are way worse than the bottom ones.  I'm working on getting him to nap in his crib.  He has been napping in our bed, but now that he rolls and crawls it's time that he naps in his crib.  He has been going down for his naps with little to no rocking.  This makes me a bit sad, but I know it's for his own good.  I still rock him for a few minutes before his nap, if he lets me.  He is crawling all over the place!  He went to bed last Monday and woke up on Tuesday and could crawl.  He sort of does this inch worm type of crawl, especially when he's excited or trying to get somewhere fast.  I need to video tape it so I can remember what he looks like.  We have an artificial ficus tree in the living room and it has ivy leaves around the base of it.  Jackson loves playing with the leaves he can reach.  We try to tell him no.  I have flicked his hand (not hard) so he knows that he shouldn't play with it and nothing has worked.  It's like there is a magnet in those leaves drawing his little hands in:)  Yesterday he pulled the tree over on himself, he wasn't injured.  You would think after that he would surely stay away, not so.  The two of us are stubborn so we just sit there by the tree and argue about it.  I told my husband that one of us is going to give in and it's not going to be me!  
My verse for the day:  Psalm 34:18-19
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all"
I needed to hear this today and I hope it's encouraging to you!

2 comments:

  1. All I can say through tears is this...I feel the same way sometimes. I love Lleyton beyond words, but I've lost a sense of who I am at the moment. The professional suit wearer is no more and my daily uniform is covered in spitup and pee-pee. The only time to myself is when I take a bath and that often seems to be at mid-night when he sleeps. And I too feel as if my husband and I are roomates, as he works very long days and gets home at 7pm as well. By that time we are both exhausted!

    I found a part time Nanny who comes 2 afternoons a week, as I "thought" that's what I wnated, but I realized after the first day she was here that I just can't bear to leave my baby with someone else. I do trust her, but I'm a nervous wreck to leave him, although I did leave for an hour to grocery shoppe.

    It's hard to go from professional to stay at home mom, but I will say this, its the hardest job I've ever had! And its often spent doing the same thing and the same thing over and over and over...day after LONG, TIRING, day!

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel everything you've said and what you feel is normal. Go lightly on yourself and I'm going to try and heed my advice ;)

    Cheers to better, more restful days ahead!

    And thanks for the advice on sleeping that you left on my blog. Maybe as new mommies we can be of help to eachother :)

    BIG HUGS

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  2. My time with God is also lacking....and I miss it. That is on my priority list as well :)

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