Look How Far We've Come.....

I don't know if you're familiar with Thomas the train, but at our house we have an obsession.  Jackson thinks the trains are the greatest thing ever!  We also watch Thomas videos quite often and have a few of our favorites memorized.  I was chatting with my mom and grandma the other day about all the expectations I had for my family when I was pregnant. Before I had our first child I used to tell people, my mom specifically (I suppose I wanted her to know that I would be doing things differently than she did), that I would not allow my child to watch TV until he was 2 years old and even then it would be only 30 minutes per day.  I would say that we would not allow our child to play video games and that he would not be allowed to have sugar except for special occasions.  I think about all these expectations I had for myself and our family while I was pregnant and, although my intentions were good, they have all fallen by the way side.  Jackson watches more than 30 minutes of TV per day and he plays games on the iPad (I try to pick educational ones) and he eats more sugar than just when he gets cake on birthdays.  Now, I'm not saying that all new moms or soon to be moms are crazy for making those expectations for themselves, I'm just saying it didn't work for me.  Breastfeeding didn't work for my mom, but it worked for me with both children for a year each.  Every family is different and every child is different.

I did initially start off following along with my "protocol".  Jackson was incredibly fascinated by the TV, so when it was on he was looking at it.  We tried not to watch too much TV when he was a baby and awake(especially Real Housewives shows on Bravo). I remember having my husband ask his mom to not sit Jackson in front of the TV in the bouncer.  I'm still not a fan of this practice, but my mother-in-law did this with some of the babies she watched.  Now, Jackson watching TV doesn't seem like such a big deal.  We are still careful about what he watches because he has bad dreams and gets frightened easily.

I started thinking about all of this when my friend had her baby boy.  She had been married for over 8 years when they had their baby and it was difficult to go from, "we can do whatever we want" to "we can do what the baby lets us do". The best piece of advice I could give her is that she had to figure out what would work for her, her husband and the new baby.  I knew that must have sounded awful since she was looking for concrete answers to her problems. Everyone will give you bits of advice and tell you what they think you should do, but ultimately you have to figure out what works for you.  There are so many decisions you have to make as a new mom and there's no book that tells you the specific answers you're looking for.  There are books out there that will tell you whatever you want to hear.  I think the best thing is to remember that God has blessed you with this baby and He will bless you with the wisdom you need to raise the child.  As parents or parents to be, we will all make mistakes.

So here's my advice for new moms- I can tell you what worked for me, but you have to be the one to figure out what works for you.  I know it might sound crazy, but your motherly instinct will kick in and don't feel like a complete failure if you don't have all the dreamy, crazy in love feelings for you baby right away, I didn't.  Your hormones are going crazy, you won't sleep much and there is a tiny new person in your life you just have to get to know.  Trust in the God who knew your baby before he was even formed in you.  Trust that there is a great plan for your child and pray for wisdom to raise him/her so that they will be able to walk in all that God has for them.  It will be hard and there will be days when you want to throw in the towel, but there are so many more good days to come.

Humility.....

I've been thinking for some time that I need to write this poignant blog and remind myself where I am for when I get where I want to be.  Time just gets away from me, but today both children are napping at the same time and my work for the part-time job is done and my husband is not home hogging the computer.
April 1, 2013 has been another life altering day for me.  Not as much as getting saved, married, or the day my children were born, but life altering none the less.  My sweet husband gave his job of 12 years a month notice that he was leaving.  As long as I've known Josh he has worked at Lexus of Chandler or Penske Automotive Group.  He has been a faithful employee and has worked in just about every department they have, except for maybe accounting.  He currently works as a service advisor and he makes enough money that I have been able to be a stay-at-home-mom for 2 years now.  I am grateful that I had that opportunity.  I'm currently working part-time and still grateful that the majority of my days are with my children.  Josh has decided to go into real estate full-time.  This is a decision that has not come without much prayer.  This is a decision that is completely out of the norm for Josh.  Yet, here we are with 2 weeks to go.  I support Josh in this decision, but that doesn't mean that I don't have my worries and concerns.
I know we haven't been married that long, but I am much more trusting of Josh at year 7 than I was at year 1.  I have finally let him be the spiritual leader of our home (that took some time and prayer to overcome) and I love him and know he would never do something to financially hurt us.  It's hard to explain, but I have such peace about this.  Yes, I have many questions about the details but I also feel like God has told me not to worry about how the plan will work, just trust that the plan will work.  As you know, I am a self proclaimed control freak so not worrying about the details is difficult.  We won't have the somewhat decent medical insurance that we currently have with Josh's employer, we won't have the money to go towards paying our Lexus lease (which we have to keep at this point), we have no salary guarantee.  I'm sure that everything about this situation must say, "RUN", "Don't do it".  I just keep thinking of the testimony that we'll have in a year.  It might be that we have no idea how it happened, but we made it through a year.  It might be that Josh gets double his salary by doing real estate.  I don't know the outcome, but I do know God is a good god and He will not forsake me.
There are days when I feel like I don't have a worry in the world and I don't know how, but I know God will take care of this.  Then there are days when I think that I don't know how we're going to make it, how is this going to work, it just doesn't make sense, are people going to think we're crazy for doing this, are we sure that we're really hearing the correct message from God.  It would be so much easier for me if God would speak to me in a clear audible voice and tell me that everything is going to be okay, but that hasn't happened.  I definitely have these moments of complete peace and I know that's how God must speak to me, maybe I'm working up to the clear audible voice.  I have to tell you, I don't know how it will work, I don't know if we'll have insurance, I don't know if we'll lose our house, I don't know if Josh will be this incredible success right off the bat.  There are countless unknowns, but one thing trumps all that- a good God.
I was talking with a friend last night and I told her that I've heard many stories of other Christians who have taken a risk, moved, changed careers, gone into the mission field and they have never said that they thought God totally forsake them.  I have never heard anyone say that God left them/never showed up/forsake them when they moved across the country not knowing where the would live/work.  I remember being jealous of our friends when they moved to Portland.  I thought it would be awesome to be totally dependent on God, not knowing where you would live or work.  Now, we are there.  We are the ones trusting God with everything, not knowing how we'll pay the bills if Josh doesn't have any money coming in from commissions.  If he's not helping someone buy/sell a house he doesn't make any money.  God has truly brought me to a new place of humility and trust.  I can't wait to write about the incredible thing that God will do in our lives, now there may be struggles along the way, but I know there will be an incredible story of God's faithfulness to come.
Please keep my family and I in your prayers if you think about us.

Winter/Spring 2013 Update

I am an awful blogger these days.  I do check in to see what everyone else is up to, but I can't seem to find the time to sit down and write (without thinking of 100 other things I should be doing).  The days seem to fly by and I can't believe my baby girl is nearly 10 months old.  Before I know it, we'll be celebrating her first birthday!
Baby girl started crawling at 8 months.  Jackson was 9 months when he started crawling, so I was kind of expecting another month to prepare and re-babyproof things.  Now days, she's pulling up on everything and doing all the baby stuff that mischievous babies do.  Just yesterday she ate her hair clip. I was frantically looking all over for the clip, sure that it had just fell on the floor.  The clip was no where to be found and I called the doctor.  I was sure that we would have to take her to the hospital; conveniently enough we just switched to the high-deductible insurance plan and I was freaking out not only about her swallowing the clip, but the cost of an ER visit.  After talking to the nurse, we just have to watch her and check her diapers for the clip.  I keep looking around to see if maybe I missed it and it will be lying there on the floor, but no such luck.  Jackson never did the putting everything in your mouth thing, but Hayden wants to taste everything.  She has 2 teeth and these teeth have tested my commitment to nursing.  I have these days when I cry and think I just want to quit, then I talk to a friend or my husband and they encourage me to stick with it for just a few more months.  Part of me wants to be done with it because I want my body back.  I want to be able to go on a crash diet, or take whatever medicine I want without worrying about it effecting my supply.  I have decided to start a pretty strict diet program next week with my sweet husband.  At this point I feel like my weight loss is more important than Hayden continuing to nurse.  I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but for health reasons I need to lose weight.  And I think Hayden would be better off having a healthy mom and possibly not breastfeeding than an unhealthy mom and continuing to breastfeed her.  I will continue to nurse her as I can, but if I lose my milk supply do to dieting I'm ok with that.
Jackson is 2 years 4 months and he is such a joy.  Yes, he has his moments of independence and defiance but he is such a sweet boy.  He loves Thomas the Train and he talks like the trains do with a bit of a British accent.  He is extremely verbal and can tell you exactly what he wants.  He doesn't talk like a baby, but like an adult.  People tell us all the time that he is very smart.  I haven't been around many other kids his age, so I don't really know how he is compared to other 2 year olds.  We are considering starting preschool for him.  Since I stay home, we don't get out much.  We do go outside everyday, but in the summer it's hard to do that because it's so hot.  I'm planning on working on potty-training next week.  We started it a while back, but everyone got sick and I just couldn't stick with it.  Hopefully now, it will be something that he'll master.
Josh finished his real estate class in December.  He took the national/state exam last weekend.  He had been sick the week before the test and it had been over 2 months since he had been to a class, so I have to be honest that I didn't think it would be a good outcome.  I told him that either way, I would be happy for him.  We both were thinking that if he passed the test, then we would know that this real estate thing could be a feasible option for him.  He passed the test!!  I was so excited for him!!  I know he was miserable in the testing center.  He had a cold and couldn't take in tissues or cough drops.  The security at the testing center was worse than airport security.  He has to take the contract writing class, but then he can get his real estate license.
I worked part-time at the contracting company I worked for before Jackson was born.  I covered for the girl who replaced me, while she was out on maternity leave.  It was a little awkward, but I was able to get back into the swing of things and get the work done.  It was nice working part-time for those few weeks.  Hopefully there will be a position for me permanently later on down the road.  There were some days when I didn't want to go in and I dreaded leaving the kids, but after getting to the office I felt good about it.  The extra income was nice too.  God knows my heart and he has the perfect part-time job for me.

Fall 2012

It's hard to believe that I have a 2 year old now!  This birthday was definitely harder than his first.  I think it's because I had so much going on around his first birthday and this birthday I was able to really focus on what was happening.  A while back we won a photo shoot from a photographer.  It was a contest on Facebook.  I was so very excited, but when the time came to take pictures I had a little boy who was avoiding the camera like the plague.  When we chose the location I did not realize that there was a park nearby.  He kept trying to get over there to play.  I can't really blame him.  Over the course of our engagement and having children we have had 2 wonderful photographers who have provided us with some amazing photos.  I was a little leery of a new photographer, but she had some great photos on her Facebook page.  This new photographer was not good with my boy.  The baby girl was great, but the photographer did not bring any props or blankets so we have no pics of baby girl by herself.  By the time we left I was exhausted, Jackson was crying and I knew I would never call this photographer again.  Josh kept reminding me that this was free and we would probably get at least one good photo out of it.  Last week we got the disc of photos and there are probably 150 images on the disc and there are maybe 10 that I would consider using for Christmas cards.  I probably wouldn't put these pics up in my house.  I was pretty bummed, especially since she kept reminding me that I needed to refer my friends to her.  I thought about writing her and telling her I was a bit disappointed in the photos, not to be mean but just to let her know.  I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say without being nasty so I didn't write anything.  Below is a photo that was included as part of our "edited" images.

I like this picture of Jackson, but there is a giant smudge on it.  What am I supposed to do with that?!?!

Here are some other fails:

My eyes are closed and Josh is the only one who is looking at the camera.

I'm talking, Jackson is eyeing the park, Hayden is eating her hands, but thank goodness for such a good looking man who continues to smile and look at the camera.

Here's a few that did turn out alright:

I get that we had a toddler who was very uncooperative, but I guess I just wish she was more professional.  I won't mention her name, but should you need a photographer in the East Valley of Arizona you should go to Jennifer Jones Photography or Shannon Worley Photography.  They are both wonderful women and amazing photographers and we have had great experiences with them and had I known better I would have gone back to them for our Christmas pictures.

In other news, Jackson turned 2 a few weeks ago.  We went to the farm and he loved it!  

We had a small party with family and a few friends and it turned out great!  I think that since I have 2 children now I have become a lot more relaxed about things and have quit being so up tight.  I still am neurotic about some things and I still love a great schedule, but now I'm more willing to put the schedule aside if it means this mommy can have a moment of peace or chat with some girlfriends.  I definitely secluded myself when it was just Jackson and I at home all day and now I know better.  Not having a schedule for one or maybe two days a week will not hurt anyone!  This was a lesson I had to learn on my own and even though other moms would tell me those exact words, I had to figure it out on my own.  Being a stay-at-home-mom can be extremely lonely!  There are still moments when the enemy gets in my head and tells me that there are no other people in my exact situation and no one can relate to me or wants to be friends with me since I have 2 crazy kids.  I definitely have to take captive EVERY thought!

My sweet girl is just that, sweet!  She is such a great baby and was a great sleeper until she got sick a few days ago.  I feel like I'm running on adrenalin some days, especially when I stayed up late last night to see Breaking Dawn Part 2 with friends from church and then got to bed at 1am, she was up at 2:30 and then our day began.  I know I need to let her cry it out, but I'm not ready for that.  She hardly ever cries, so it's hard to hear her crying.  For now, she can come to bed with me and we both get sleep.  

We started giving her baby cereal a few weeks ago and she hates it.  She starts making faces before the spoon even gets to her mouth!  She's getting better, but she's just not a fan.  It's so strange how 2 children with the same mom and dad can be so different.  Jackson loved baby food pretty much from day one, he didn't really chew on things when he was teething, he didn't bounce in the exersaucer, he smiled and laughed at everything.  Hayden is the complete opposite of that.  She is very much a mommy's girl, but I kind of like that since Jackson was never really clingy to me.

There is so much coming up with the holidays, my grandparents moving here from Texas, my parents moving, me possibly going back to work part-time, this is going to be an exciting few months!!

The Struggles of Being a SAHM

Today, I absolutely love my job.  I would not trade it for anything in the world!  The kids and I are getting over a cold.  I'm so thankful for the children God placed in my life.  There are days when I cannot believe I signed up for this job because it is a mad house here, but today is not one of those:)  I guess it helps that it's my birthday week.  I like to celebrate the whole week, not just the day!  Josh and I have had some financial struggles recently.  When these issues pop up, I immediately go to the place of "God has left me", or "I must have misunderstood His direction".  I start thinking, maybe I misunderstood when God said to trust Him and be a stay-at-home-mom.  Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear and not the logical answer, which was to keep working.  Why would God just up and leave me in this time of despair?  Then physical sickness creeps in and all of us were sick and had to stay home for several days and that just allows the enemy to confuse me all the more.  I have to keep reminding myself that God is not a god of confusion.  His direction is clear and direct, there isn't an aspect of misunderstanding.  You either hear Him and obey or you don't.  There is no grey area with God and He definitely does not leave us.  He may go radio silent, but He is always there hearing my cries.  I can't imagine going through financial difficulty or any difficulty for that matter without an amazing God who loves me more than I will ever know.
I have been looking on Craigslist for jobs.  I would prefer a part-time job that I could do from home.  I'd like to wait to work out of the home until Hayden is 1 and not breastfeeding, but at this point I have applied and sent my resume to numerous companies.  I have heard back from a few, but I haven't even made it to an interview.  I keep feeling like God is saying, "Be still".  What mom out there can do such a crazy thing????  It is not my nature to be still.  I have a toddler, there is minimal stillness in my house!!  I can feel that God is there, I can feel him almost like he is right behind me observing me, but I just don't hear His voice.  He has never left me, never not provided for us and I know He will come through.  I truly don't think God wants me working at this time.  To be honest, I would be sad if I did because I don't want to miss out on the same time with Hayden that I missed out on with Jackson
I'm working on my first reaction.  I have always had a freak-out first reaction.  When Josh has a bad survey and we will be receiving a pay decrease because of the survey, I immediately freak out.  What are we going to do?  How will we make it?  What is going to happen with Josh's job?  On a side note, working commission is like a roller coaster.  There are really great months then there are really bad ones.  It seems like we've had one really bad one after another.  I am in a position where I only have one option.  There is nothing left for me to fall back on but God.  This situation has taught me to run to God as my first reaction.  When we get bad news or something bad happens, I always run to Josh.  He always knows what to say to make me feel better, to quiet my spirit.  I know God wants to be that person I run to.  This is a new learning experience and I have placed my burdens before a loving, generous, merciful God.  I can't carry them any more!  I know that God is good and I'm just hanging on for the ride.  I'm not going to try and force anything to happen. I am struggling, but I'm trying to be still.

Lacy Romper with Matching Headband Giveaway

Hi Friends!

I'm all about girly things for my baby girl and I love everything at Think Pink Bowtique!  They have such cute headbands and rompers. The ivory headband is my favorite because it could go with anything. Check it out!

Dandy Giveaway

A Little Bit of This and That......

I have so many things that I want to remember, so I'm just going to put them all in one post and maybe one day I'll separate them:)

Hayden is 4 months old.  I can see the hospital where she was born from our backyard and it's crazy to me that just 4 months ago we were in that hospital with our beautiful baby girl who slept for what seemed like 48 hours!  She is smiling and just started sucking on her two middle fingers this week.  She has never really loved the pacifier like Jackson and she is always sucking on her hands.  She finally figured out which fingers she liked best.  We won't go to the doctor for another few weeks, but I'm confident that she is gaining weight appropriately.  She only nurses about 5 times per day, but she must be getting what she needs!  Just this week she started sleeping close to 12 hours at night.  I was thankful, but a little concerned at first.  Jackson never did and still doesn't do that:)

Jackson is 22 months old.  I cannot believe that he will be 2 in October.  It just doesn't seem right that my sweet boy would grow up so fast.  He sings Happy Birthday, ABCs, and he loves to sing worship songs in the car!  He has a toddler bible that we read to him at night.  We've read it so many times that he has it memorized.  At the end of the book it talks about Jesus dying on the cross and rising from the grave.  We have a cross hanging in our living room and the other day, out of no where, he says, "oh, the cross, the cross!" pointing to our cross hanging on the wall.  I am confident that my son has a special relationship with Jesus.  I have always felt he would do something special for the Kingdom of God.  It brings tears to my eyes when I hear him singing along to Forever Reign and I know it must do the same for our savior.  Jackson has memorized his first bible verse "Teach me your way O Lord".  We haven't got to the Psalm 27:11 part.  Even though I think we are in the middle of the incredible, awesome, terrific twos; I feel like Jackson is growing and changing so much.  We definitely have our rough days and days when I feel like I have to get away from this kid, but there are so many awesome days to make up for the rough ones.

We just got back from our first vacation with children.  There was A LOT of crying on the way there!  We went to San Diego for my brother's wedding, so it wasn't far but 7 hours traveling is a lot for our toddler and baby.  We went to SeaWorld and Jackson had a pretty good time.  We didn't get to see any shows (the lines were so long), but we did see lots of animals and I think he liked it.  Josh got some fish for him to feed the sea lions, not sure if he's a fan of that or not but he loved looking at them through the glass.

Josh and I figured out a system and we had a better drive back.  Jackson absolutely loved the beach, especially the sand:)  When we left the wedding, he had sand in his ears, nose and hair. Our schedule was out the window on this trip, but we quickly got back to it when we got home.

I'm going through a humbling experience with God.  These past few weeks have been tough and I've been questioning if I should continue to be a stay-at-home-mom.  It seems like whenever things get tough financially, I immediately start looking for part-time jobs instead of trusting in God and trusting in what He said to me two years ago.  I remember how heavy on my heart it was to be a stay-at-home-mom and I remember so clearly feeling released from my job.  I don't like to share with close friends or family the things we go through until there's resolution, but it's therapeutic for me to write about it here:)  I know that must sound crazy!  I have this picture in my mind of God bringing me to my knees and I keep trying to stand up, but there are things that happen that keep pushing me back to my knees.  I think these things will continue to happen until I find rest being on my knees before a most holy God, a God who loves me more than I will ever know, a God who has never left me alone and who has always provided for my family and I.  I don't know why it's so hard to rest in Him sometimes, but today I'm doing it.  I'm resting in the will of the Almighty, Omnipresent, Loving, Merciful God who has never left me!