A New Day.......

This has a happy ending I promise- Josh and I had a pretty big argument yesterday.  It seems like we only argue on the weekends, when we have time to spend with each other.  I realized something during this argument.  I've been struggling with something.  I was mad at Josh, but really I was angry with myself.  You see, I didn't always make the best choices when I was younger and before I was married.  I know, we all make mistakes, but the mistakes I made seemed to stick with me.  I know when we ask for forgiveness that are sins are as far as the east is from the west and that God doesn't bring them up to us any more.  He forgets them.  Them problem I have, is that I don't forget them.  I remember my past sins and I feel like I'm being punished in some way for the mistakes I made years ago.  In my mind I know this isn't true, but I somehow feel that it is sometimes.  I know it's just the enemy, but it's hard to get past that.  Josh and I have been married for 5 years, so this is not a new thing to me but I have not shared this with my husband.

I was in the nursery at church today feeding Jackson and I remembered thinking that I wanted to talk to a specific person at church about this.  Let's call her Lisa.  Lisa and I both happened to be nursing our babies at the same time.  We are not incredibly close, but we have chatted about babies and such.  Our conversation was mostly just chit chat and then I started to leave and I turned around.  She kept talking to me like she didn't want me to leave, but she didn't say those words.  Even though I had gotten up and was standing at the door, she was still talking to me.  I told her that I had thought of her last night, during my argument, and that I wanted to talk to her about something.  Of course I started crying and I shared with her everything.  It turns out that Lisa is going through a similar situation.  I was so happy to talk to someone who could relate to what I was going through and who I could share with freely.  It seems that the enemy likes to get us isolated and make us feel like we're the only one going through a difficult time.  This battle is a minute by minute one.  I have to choose what thoughts I'm going to allow myself to dwell on.  I have to keep thinking to myself, take captive every thought!

As I sat in church today (the part of the sermon I did hear) I was incredibly convicted.  I have to admit that it's not too often that I feel super challenged lately, I think that's mostly due to my not being in church the whole time.  I spend a good amount of time in the nursery:)  Anyway, it was the kind of conviction where you want to sink down in your chair, the kind of conviction where you cringe just a little at what the pastor says, you know the kind?  I really felt like God was speaking to me today, through Lisa, through Pastor Brad.  Sometimes it's so refreshing to know that God hears my cries and He knows what I'm going through and He knows how to respond.  The God I serve is not a god who says, "that's just what you get for what you did 10 years ago".  He is a loving God.  He sees right where we are and loves us.  I've made some really bad choices in my life, but I'm so blessed to have a God who loves me more than I could ever imagine and who truly cares for me.  In a world of billions, He cares for me!  How awesome is that?